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Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore.
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This is the message I got from my longest and closest friend tonight. I stared at it for a while contemplating how to reply.......

He married his wife around ten years ago and it became pretty apparent fairly early on that this woman was the type of woman slowmguy has described. Her mother is a particularly vile, vindictive piece of work who has destroyed her husband's will to exist and is a shell of a man who seems to be the type of guy who avoids rocking the boat to avoid conflict an maintain the status quo. Not a particularly pleasant MIL to be sure.

They have not had a great marriage. This as an understatement. She is every bit her mother, probably worse since the mother is every bit as toxic as her and makes everything worse. When they married, she had two children, he had none, his first marriage and they had one son together who is now 8 years old.

It has probably been around two years that they have been living off and on together (mostly in separate residences sharing custody),separated but if you have ever heard a story of spousal abuse, this is it. Perhaps not so much physical but emotional for sure. She has been so horrible to him, has turned his stepchildren against him and attempts to turn his own son against him. Makes every attempt to berate and insult and denigrate him. His son recognizes this and is aware of the situation (only 8 by the way).

I asked him a few weeks ago why he doesen't go for the next step, to legally separate (or divorce) as any attempts to salvage this relationship have been futile at best. It seems he fears how bad she will make things if he chooses this path. Things go between tolerable and horrible between them and these seem to be better alternatives to what he sees as likely if he attempts to end this toxic mess.

I have been friends with him since kindergarden and we roomed toghether in university. I cannot say there have been many people I have been friends with for a long time but his friendship of forty years is rare for any body and I feel such pain hearing about his situation. I could go on but I would like go get to the reason for the post.

I told him to call me if he needed to talk. I was very alarmed at his message but didn't want to presume the worst of fan the flames. As I said we spoke a few weeks ago and my estimation was that this wasn't a desperate situation.

He said Thanks, he would call in then next day or so. I told him to call me any time and that i was there for him any time. I honestly don't think this is as dire as some may think but when he does call and we do talk (this will probably be tomorrow) I am looking for some wisdom form the LR collective. There is plenty of wisdom floating about around here. Hoping for a little help on how to help a lifelong friend.

Thanks in advance (so canadian)

A false humanity is used to impose its opposite, by people whose cruelty is equalled only by their arrogance
Last edited by: Chri55: Sep 18, 17 6:34
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Chri55] [ In reply to ]
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Phones work in both directions. Call him.








"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Chri55] [ In reply to ]
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What Vitus said. Call him. Or better, if possible, go see him.
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Chri55] [ In reply to ]
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Call him now. I went through some very, very low periods this year. Not sure if I was ready to 'end it' but I was seriously depressed, hopeless and isolated from friends and family. A couple insightful friends read between the lines, called me and helped me come out the other side. Call him.

_____________________________________________________
"Oh man, it's going to take days to kill all these people!" - Jens Voigt
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [jsivvy] [ In reply to ]
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jsivvy wrote:
Call him now. I went through some very, very low periods this year. Not sure if I was ready to 'end it' but I was seriously depressed, hopeless and isolated from friends and family. A couple insightful friends read between the lines, called me and helped me come out the other side. Call him.

I don't fear he is wishing to "end it" but you nailed it with the word hopeless. The situation with this wife has been horrible for years, and a person like her can make things a lot worse if she chooses. Really, I am looking for advice to pass on on how one might deal with such a toxic relationship, with consideration that there is a son who she will use to get back at him. She already says terrible things to the boy about his dad.

A false humanity is used to impose its opposite, by people whose cruelty is equalled only by their arrogance
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Chri55] [ In reply to ]
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Call Tyrone. This situation reads in parts of my childhood dealing with the parents. Insane mother, very sane father and me in the middle. Fortunately neither parent wastes time badmouthing the other. Your friend is best of not entertaining any trash talk and definitely not addressing it with the child. In such situations the child will always make the best decision and hopefully not repeat the cycle later in life.
Only your friend knows whether or not to end the relationship but from what you posted, staying in it separated or not seems like a waste of time.


_____________________________________
DISH is how we do it.
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Francois] [ In reply to ]
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Francois wrote:
What Vitus said. Call him. Or better, if possible, go see him.


Very much this. Be proactive, and in person is much more preferable than over the phone - but if phone is the only option, make the call.

ETA: In terms of what to say to him, that's pretty dependent on where his head's at. If you're underestimating the depth of his desperation, the suicide watch conversation is one thing (and wicked hard to navigate). If it's not literally life and death but just very, very serious...also extremely hard, but in my experience:

listen more than talk at first;

don't sugarcoat things;

to the extent you've already told him once that you don't see why he doesn't get out, don't be shy about repeating the message. If he's as beat down as you describe him, he's going to need sustained encouragement to break out of a harsh cycle. In having helped one of my brothers through this type of situation, what finally seemed to get him over the hump was the recognition that his kids would be better off in the long run if they didn't have parents in a toxic relationship. My brother would have suffered into the grave if it were just about him, but once he realized the damage it was doing and would continue to do this his children, he found the will to extricate himself despite the pain and upheaval it caused in the short term. He and his children are much, much better for him having done so;

in an extension of the prior point, be prepared for a long haul, these generally aren't 'one and done' conversations or experiences.
Last edited by: wimsey: Sep 18, 17 6:50
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Chri55] [ In reply to ]
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I am not a professional, but I think that message is a sign that he is reaching out to you for help.

I don't claim to know too much about stuff like this, but I did know someone who was in a bad relationship and he had a cloak and dagger plan where he arranged everything and when he brought it up to his partner, he would be gone after. It seems harsh, I know but could be an option for your friend.

Sorry to hear about what he is going through.
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [wimsey] [ In reply to ]
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wimsey wrote:
Francois wrote:
What Vitus said. Call him. Or better, if possible, go see him.


Very much this. Be proactive, and in person is much more preferable than over the phone - but if phone is the only option, make the call.

ETA: In terms of what to say to him, that's pretty dependent on where his head's at. If you're underestimating the depth of his desperation, the suicide watch conversation is one thing (and wicked hard to navigate). If it's not literally life and death but just very, very serious...also extremely hard, but in my experience:

listen more than talk at first;

don't sugarcoat things;

to the extent you've already told him once that you don't see why he doesn't get out, don't be shy about repeating the message. If he's as beat down as you describe him, he's going to need sustained encouragement to break out of a harsh cycle. In having helped one of my brothers through this type of situation, what finally seemed to get him over the hump was the recognition that his kids would be better off in the long run if they didn't have parents in a toxic relationship. My brother would have suffered into the grave if it were just about him, but once he realized the damage it was doing and would continue to do this his children, he found the will to extricate himself despite the pain and upheaval it caused in the short term. He and his children are much, much better for him having done so;

in an extension of the prior point, be prepared for a long haul, these generally aren't 'one and done' conversations or experiences.

This.

Also that he needs to be convinced that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it is much better than where he is today. Millions of people go through divorce, with kids, and in toxic relationships. He can and will get through it. His kid(s) will be better in the long run also. It is not good to teach them that toxicity is "normal" in a relationship.

.
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Chri55] [ In reply to ]
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I don't think this can be stressed enough- A good wife makes a good life, and a bad pick can suck the life out of you! If you are unhappy you are probably more miserable because you chose wrong, and you don't have the balls to learn from this mistake and move on. It is not to late to find a better life. We have a short time on this planet it is stupid living it in denial and regret. He should do his best to be a positive influence around his son (the kid is going to need this) and shut the wench completely out of his life.

It seems most of the time when we pick horrible people it is because of a crappy childhood. If this is the case he should seek professional help and learn why he was attracted to this mess. It might be to late for him but at least he can teach his son how to avoid this trap.



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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Chri55] [ In reply to ]
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Besides the "call" advice, he needs real-life support in the tough decisions that he should be making. In an abusive relationship, fear and inertia and victimhood alternate in an endless cycle. They are already emotionally and physically separated, it needs to get fixed or truly ended.
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Chri55] [ In reply to ]
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The path is obvious but your friend has to have the guts/courage to take it. Get him out of that relationship ASAP. Have him get into counseling ASAP so he can have someone one to talk with without fear of judgement. Be there to support him as long as it takes. Life is too short to waste time on a relationship like you described.

"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Chri55] [ In reply to ]
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Would echo much of what's been said.

He should definitely seek the counsel of a good therapist who can help him reestablish his paternal rights and male self esteem. I will send you a PM with a recommendation.

He should also consult with a divorce lawyer. Understanding more about the process and implications of divorce will help, particularly what his parenting rights will be. His wife has may have scared him into thinking divorce could mean loss of access to his son.

Bottom line, he needs support from his friends and professionals.
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Re: Brother, I don't know how much more of this life I can take anymore. [Kay Serrar] [ In reply to ]
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Thank you, thanks to everyone for the advice on this matter.

A few messages back and forth and a good long conversation with my friend really helped. His struggles with his narcissistic spouse were weighing on him but man did he have a string of s#!t luck in the meantime. Transmission blows on his car. Car he bought as a replacement needed a few grand of work to certify. And finally he damaged his uncles truck that he borrowed to move some gear for his band. Broken window.

Aside from that his wife has been particularly difficult (yuuge understatement) and I feel his message to me was the final push for him looking for validation to go the next step and begin the end of his marriage.

I honestly don't know how he tolerated this for so long. They have had counselling and both counsellors felt he should move on. To quote "there is no way to fix this kind of narcissism".

He seemed to take the suggestion of counselling for himself and getting a lawyer to begin a final end to the relationship as a relief. He is pretty religious and has been reluctant to this but it is so far beyond what anyone can tolerate. He's finally ready. This train wreck has to end for th sake of him and his son.

I get the feeling that some positive things happened tonight. It isn't over but it looks like he'll move forward in a good way and he knows I'll be there to back him up.

Any advice on how he might deal with things in the future would be appreciated. I know it won't be easy. Thanks for all the help so far.

A false humanity is used to impose its opposite, by people whose cruelty is equalled only by their arrogance
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