We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out

Jun 15, 17 9:55

Post #1 of 20 (1710 views)

Me, DH and our two kids are going to Disney. We're staying in a condo that's basically 2 apartments (we paid for it). So we invited the two grandmothers. We thought this would be a good idea.
Then DH's grandmother invited both of my BILs. So we put our foot down about that. Then both grandmothers mentioned that there's people in Florida that they want to see when they're there. We're like fine but we're taking the kids to the parks and don't be demanding that we have to go meet family. And we're not working our schedules around you. Fine.
Until today. My mom is almost 80 years old and has chronic back pain. That's not going to change and she refuses to accept this (which she shouldn't) and does all these kooky homeopathic remedies (eating purple rice and eating turmeric). But now she's researching stem cell therapy and she doesn't want to go to the guy who does it locally. However, there's a person who does it an hour away from Orlando and she told me that she'll, "just get it done when we're down there."

No. No. No. It's supposed to be a family vacation. We thought it would be a nice thing to do for them and all of us to spend time together. We didn't expect them to come to the parks with us and they had the freedom to roam. But I'm not about to deal with taking my mom to medical appoints and whatever recovery is necessary.

We're starting to feel like inviting them was a really bad idea.

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 9:58

Post #2 of 20 (1703 views)

It was a bad idea. Vacations, in most instances, are supposed to remove you from stress. This sounds more like work and unless you love your job...

"The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 10:07

Post #3 of 20 (1684 views)

In my experience, "vacations" and "family activities" are two entirely different endeavors. It sounds like you need to decide what kind of trip you want. Good Luck. If you find the secret to successfully combining them, please let me know as it has eluded me for decades.

"100% of the people who confuse correlation and causation end up dying."

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 10:42

Post #4 of 20 (1633 views)

It was a bad idea, but you've backed yourself into it. At this point you can probably just get away with giving the grandmothers the 2nd apartment to use together, on their own, and set the expectation that they get their own rental cars so they can do what they want, reinforcing that you have family plans and activities that are your main focus. Let them know where you'll be, when you'll be having dinner & where so they have an invitation to join you, and then wash your hands of whatever they decide to do outside of that. There's not really any other option if you want it to remain as your vacation.

Virginia Plain wrote:

Me, DH and our two kids are going to Disney. We're staying in a condo that's basically 2 apartments (we paid for it). So we invited the two grandmothers. We thought this would be a good idea.
Then DH's grandmother invited both of my BILs. So we put our foot down about that. Then both grandmothers mentioned that there's people in Florida that they want to see when they're there. We're like fine but we're taking the kids to the parks and don't be demanding that we have to go meet family. And we're not working our schedules around you. Fine.
Until today. My mom is almost 80 years old and has chronic back pain. That's not going to change and she refuses to accept this (which she shouldn't) and does all these kooky homeopathic remedies (eating purple rice and eating turmeric). But now she's researching stem cell therapy and she doesn't want to go to the guy who does it locally. However, there's a person who does it an hour away from Orlando and she told me that she'll, "just get it done when we're down there."

No. No. No. It's supposed to be a family vacation. We thought it would be a nice thing to do for them and all of us to spend time together. We didn't expect them to come to the parks with us and they had the freedom to roam. But I'm not about to deal with taking my mom to medical appoints and whatever recovery is necessary.

We're starting to feel like inviting them was a really bad idea.

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [MidwestRoadie] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 10:54

Post #5 of 20 (1609 views)

MidwestRoadie wrote:

It was a bad idea, but you've backed yourself into it. At this point you can probably just get away with giving the grandmothers the 2nd apartment to use together, on their own, and set the expectation that they get their own rental cars so they can do what they want, reinforcing that you have family plans and activities that are your main focus. Let them know where you'll be, when you'll be having dinner & where so they have an invitation to join you, and then wash your hands of whatever they decide to do outside of that. There's not really any other option if you want it to remain as your vacation.

We did that originally. But with my mom and her plan to get stem cell replacement done was just too much. And I'll admit, I don't know anything about it. But she's almost 80 years old. I'm assuming there's going to be some kind of recovery. And I'm just not fucking dealing with it.
They hadn't reserved their plane tickets and I just wanted to put an end to it before things got any further.

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 10:58

Post #6 of 20 (1600 views)

I went on a family Disney vacation once with gf. Sold as play golf with her dad and brothers. Go to parks but do our own thing. Go out at night with siblings and have a blast.

Got off the plane and first thing had to return the convertible I rented. Because as I was told "I'm an idiot" , how are you going to fit kids in that thing. I didn't know we were driving someone's kids from the airport. Got to park the next day and we ALL have to stick together as a family. It's a small world was even better the third time! Played one round of golf on the dog track at the time share. Disney courses were too expensive. Her brothers quit drinking so we went to TGIFs or similar for dinner every night and back to condo to do nothing. Slept on a sofa because extra family came and I got bumped. Worst trip ever. If we go somewhere with our kids and family it's only with the express rule people are allowed to come and go as they please.

First flag would've been inviting other family along without checking.

I applaud the idea of bringing the elders but it sounds like it's going to be painful.

"I think I've cracked the code. double letters are cheaters except for perfect squares (a, d, i, p and y). So Leddy isn't a cheater... "

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 11:02

Post #7 of 20 (1596 views)

I say stick to your guns. Grandmom with back pain so bad she is going for stem cell treatment shouldn't be flying to Florida. Next thing you will be pushing her through airport in wheelchair.

They constantly try to escape from the darkness outside and within
Dreaming of systems so perfect that no one will need to be good T.S. Eliot

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [len] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 11:06

Post #8 of 20 (1589 views)

len wrote:

I say stick to your guns. Grandmom with back pain so bad she is going for stem cell treatment shouldn't be flying to Florida. Next thing you will be pushing her through airport in wheelchair.

You're probably very right about that. It's all bringing me back to this past January when she sold her house of 40 years for a two floor condo that has about 15 stairs to climb to get into it (no elevator) which I begged her not to buy b/c of said chronic hip, knee and back pain. But she refused to listen.

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 11:07

Post #9 of 20 (1584 views)

I believe it was the great Jerry Seinfeld who said "there is no such thing as 'fun for the whole family'".

Ditch the grandmothers. If they're not on board with your vacation, they can take their own.

Long Chile was a silly place.

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 11:17

Post #10 of 20 (1563 views)

My entire family goes on a week long camping trip every year. It includes my dad, all 8 surviving siblings, all the inlaws, most of the nieces and nephews, some of the grandkids, girl friends, boyfriends, a kid that was given up for adoption stops by, his kid, all the family dogs ... We get 6 campsites a cabin or two, one year we counted 35 people that had been there at least part of the week. We do things together, we do things separate, often we do nothing at all.

We have done this for more than a decade. Every single time I tell this story, people look on in amazement. I have found no other family that can pull this off.

I take it grandma can't drive? Uber for her trips on your dime?

Only way it can be done is if everyone knows their fun is their responsibility. No whining is tolerated. Not having fun? Go home.

I'm beginning to think that we are much more fucked than I thought.

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [j p o] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 11:25

Post #11 of 20 (1546 views)

My family does something similar every year. Every year my inlaws rent cabins at a campground and every year the entire family goes. Sometimes people can make it and sometimes people can't. People are free to do what they like while there and we all take a night to prepare dinner and clean up. Its great for my kids becasue they get to hang out with and play with cousins for week they only get to see a couple of times a year.

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 11:28

Post #12 of 20 (1536 views)

Let me kick out the grams
Kick out the grams, we gotta kick 'em out!

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [j p o] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 11:33

Post #13 of 20 (1528 views)

j p o wrote:

My entire family goes on a week long camping trip every year. It includes my dad, all 8 surviving siblings, all the inlaws, most of the nieces and nephews, some of the grandkids, girl friends, boyfriends, a kid that was given up for adoption stops by, his kid, all the family dogs ... We get 6 campsites a cabin or two, one year we counted 35 people that had been there at least part of the week.

In some states, that's enough to declare yourself a county and get you a Seat in the House of Representatives

OK, maybe not

"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 11:52

Post #14 of 20 (1497 views)

Virginia Plain wrote:

Me, DH and our two kids are going to Disney. We're staying in a condo that's basically 2 apartments (we paid for it). So we invited the two grandmothers. We thought this would be a good idea.
Then DH's grandmother invited both of my BILs. So we put our foot down about that. Then both grandmothers mentioned that there's people in Florida that they want to see when they're there. We're like fine but we're taking the kids to the parks and don't be demanding that we have to go meet family. And we're not working our schedules around you. Fine.
Until today. My mom is almost 80 years old and has chronic back pain. That's not going to change and she refuses to accept this (which she shouldn't) and does all these kooky homeopathic remedies (eating purple rice and eating turmeric). But now she's researching stem cell therapy and she doesn't want to go to the guy who does it locally. However, there's a person who does it an hour away from Orlando and she told me that she'll, "just get it done when we're down there."

No. No. No. It's supposed to be a family vacation. We thought it would be a nice thing to do for them and all of us to spend time together. We didn't expect them to come to the parks with us and they had the freedom to roam. But I'm not about to deal with taking my mom to medical appoints and whatever recovery is necessary.

We're starting to feel like inviting them was a really bad idea.

okay be straight up with us: My sister pulls this shit where she "invites" my parents somewhere which really means she want them to watch the kids or she wants them to pay for dinner. You said this was on your dime, so it seems you are in the clear on the money side. Good. (Though when I invite my parents on vacation that means I am paying for them .). But are you trying to score some baby sitting out of the deal? If so, it seems to me that a day trip to a stem cell treatment center is a decent trade. think it over...

One other thing: retired people don't need vacations. They need things to do. So it is not surprising that they viewed this trip differently than you.

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 12:10

Post #15 of 20 (1468 views)

You need to quickly get past "thinking" and "feeling" and on to some real action. Stat!

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Old Hickory] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 12:16

Post #16 of 20 (1456 views)

Old Hickory wrote:

You need to quickly get past "thinking" and "feeling" and on to some real action. Stat!

Oh, I already did. I called my mom and gave her the boot. She hung up on me after I said that Kev and I decided it would be a bad idea with all that they are trying to plan. And that was that. I'm assuming she's crying and I'll hear a lot of, "wish I could've been there."

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [orphious] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 12:17

Post #17 of 20 (1456 views)

orphious wrote:

My family does something similar every year. Every year my inlaws rent cabins at a campground and every year the entire family goes. Sometimes people can make it and sometimes people can't. People are free to do what they like while there and we all take a night to prepare dinner and clean up. Its great for my kids becasue they get to hang out with and play with cousins for week they only get to see a couple of times a year.

It sounds like you run it pretty much like we do. If you come great, if you can't great. No expectations when you are there and no pressure to do anything other than don't be a pain in the ass.

One year my sister brought 7 or 8 puppies along that she couldn't leave at home. That was a little much and we threatened her with permanent expulsion. But the puppies were really cute.

I'm beginning to think that we are much more fucked than I thought.

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [j p o] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 12:20

Post #18 of 20 (1450 views)

The drunken corn hole tourney's with my brother in laws are the best!

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [j p o] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 13:38

Post #19 of 20 (1388 views)

j p o wrote:

orphious wrote:

My family does something similar every year. Every year my inlaws rent cabins at a campground and every year the entire family goes. Sometimes people can make it and sometimes people can't. People are free to do what they like while there and we all take a night to prepare dinner and clean up. Its great for my kids becasue they get to hang out with and play with cousins for week they only get to see a couple of times a year.

It sounds like you run it pretty much like we do. If you come great, if you can't great. No expectations when you are there and no pressure to do anything other than don't be a pain in the ass.

One year my sister brought 7 or 8 puppies along that she couldn't leave at home. That was a little much and we threatened her with permanent expulsion. But the puppies were really cute.

Our extended clan does it like this as well. It varies some from year to year as we try to rotate a variety of places, so some are just a collection of individual campsites, sometimes it's a group camp facility, sometimes it's a couple cabins and an RV parked nearby, other years it's been a large rental house or 2. How remote it is or not also has a bearing on the granularity of options available, so some year are more cohesive while others are more Roll you own...

We'll almost always have one designated night where we all pitch in to cook & eat together, but outside of that we typically sub-divide into smaller groups of 2 or 3 families to pool food/drink or car shuttles to/from different activities ~ maybe 1 sub-group w/ small kids will head to the park while a few of the older guys go fishing, while the ladies head into town for something else, etc, and then re-convene for poker night after dinner. Now that a lot of the kids/cousins are older, we tend to segregate more by age than family unit so my brothers and our cousins+wives/husbands will do stuff together while all our kids will do their own thing without us, and the grandparents (including our aunts & uncles) will do elderly shit. Only rarely does it go sideways when you get stuck babysitting the old folks for an extended outing.

Re: We're thinking about kicking the grandmom's out [Virginia Plain] [ In reply to ]

Jun 15, 17 13:41

Post #20 of 20 (1380 views)

Sounds like you already did the deed but wanted to give you encouragement. We took our 2yo to Disney a few months ago (really kiddo and I tagged along on husband's work trip) and at first we considered inviting 'everyone' but ultimately just had the 3 of us there. It was the most perfect trip ever - and we're not even Disney people! Honestly, just the fact that we were totally flexible to work around kiddo's schedule of sleeping/not sleeping, hungry now/not hungry, wants this ride/not that ride, etc and not try to move en mass everywhere or figure out what everyone was in the mood for to eat just made the trip so darn easy and really enjoyable. Sure, kiddo had one major meltdown - to be expected - but I was able to deal with it calmly without feeling like I was holding others in the group up or giving in to make her stop, etc. Honestly, it was about as perfect a trip as possible so I HIGHLY recommend booting the extended families, no matter how much you love them, and just doing it together.

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