Hey Jason, tough spot. I am not an attorney and someon with a JD can correct me but prenups are very strong if written well and executed correctly. They are effective at protecting your assets in a marriage but the laws change from state to state. It is also important that you both be represented by lawyers when you have the agreement drafted so that she (or you:) can't say you didn't understand the agreement.

It sounds like you may have the risk of substantial loss so you probably want to find a lawyer in your state and complete this asap.

Good luck

hey guys thanks for the replies. and casey i do appreciate you input...however. (you knew that was coming.) i am right on with you on about 99% of what you are saying. marriage is a group project, as long as both sides live up to their agreements. i have only scratched the surface with the info i have given.

marriage is something where everything is shared, when both sides are contributing to the best of their ability. i say to the best of their ability because if one side make $70k and the other make $150k and both sides are open and honest, all is good. i believe you should have a job you enjoy, not one that pays big money. i'm more for happiness than cash. or if one side brings home the paycheck so the other side can stay home and raise kids, all is good. throw kids in the mix they come first. we are living together [and here i will say save the living together comments, i can start another thread for that one but later ;) ]. people told me to have a contract drawn up to protect myself because in texas we have common law marriage. i didn't do it because i trusted this woman more than anyone i've ever met. she could prob get half of what i have now and i wouldn't care, i'll recover and consider it a lesson learned for me. i'm a pilot and am paying all the bills so she can attend school full time. i'm still fairly new with the company so my assets aren't enormous by any stretch of the imagination right now. she has 3 yrs of school left, at that point my assets will be much greater (in theory. in this industry nothing is for certain.) i have other things i am working on, and paying for myself 100%. it's taken me 16 yrs to get where i am today. whether you fly civilian or military there are sacrifices made that unless you are in the industry or know someone who is you have no idea. no regrets here, it's been an incred. ride.

if we stay on the same page as far as kids, cities to live in, etc. i agree all is ours. if she were to change her mind in 3 yrs and say she's going back to mom and dad, after contributing nothing financially, i'm sorry i am drawing the line there. it has taken me 16 yrs to get where i am and i have sacrificed a lot to get here. since day one she knew what i did for a living, what the lifestyle was, and what the constraints were in cities to live. until last thur i had no intentions of doing this, i wanted to get married earlier this yr. in a little quickie ceremony so she could get on my insurance. she said she'd rather wait and have a more traditional wedding and do it nicely once. if she were to leave in 3 yrs though she would have taken something i'll never get back, 3 yrs of my life. i'm still willing to risk that with her, i still love her. but...i don't want to risk 3 yrs along with all that i've worked hard to earn and pay for. one thing of which is free room and board for her while she attends school. i have absolutely no regrets with any of the decisions i've make with this woman. i am so proud of her and her accomplishments, from where she has come from she is an incred. individual. my family is as proud of here as if she were one of their own children, they give her more credit than her sorry excuse for parents. there is still soooooo much more but my fingers are getting tired. plus it's a gorgeous day here in no. tx. i gotta go ride. thanks again to all for taking time out of your day and offering opinions that i feel give me another window to look through.

jason

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ΜΟΛΩΝ-ΛΑΒΕ
we're doomed

A marriage isn't about possessions, yours, hers, or yours together. It's about -- like Casey said -- two people building a life together built on love, trust, support etc etc.

You might seriously want to consider pre-marital counseling to figure out your issues now rather than after the marriage. There is nothing wrong with having doubt, it's natural and healthy. After all, a marriage is the biggest commitment you will ever make ... well, at least after deciding steep or shallow and 650 vs 700.

And, don't underestimate the influence -- both positive and negative -- close family can have on the dynamics of a marriage. I'm not saying it can't work if you can't get along with her family, but it will make things extrememly difficult. Here, I speak from unfortunate experience (but, with my wife and I, it's my conservative Christian family who can't except her liberal Catholicism ... this rift has caused huge problems for my wife and I and led to me more or less divorcing my family ... but that's another long sordid boring story).

Good luck.

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*****
"In case of flood climb to safety"

hey folks i am right on with ya'll, i think marriage is about ours, not mine and yours. however...i want to provide for any family in my future. if this woman does not want a family with me here in texas so be it, but what entitles her to something i have been working for for my family, whoever the mother may be, when she paid for none of it. i want to work hard now so should i have kids i don't have to work as much and can spend time with them. also, the govt. has decided that at 60yrs and 1 day i am no longer competant to fly an airplane. barring any unforseen probs before i even began my career i could tell you when i was going to retire. if i have to start over i can't just work for an extra yr or 2 to make up any setbacks. i can only fly X period of time per day/week/month/yr. so i am limited to how much i can work.

i think this is coming across as i am wanting to keep this stuff for me, it's not i promise. it about my future family. i'm happy with my 2000 dodge pickup, 85 jeep and 12 yr old klein. when i got on with this airline my reward was to buy a new, tricked out klein. didn't happen. i bought her the house we're in, with the carpet she wanted, the kitchen cabinet she choose, and the beautiful diamond ring she has. i hate debt so the klein will have to wait, no big deal.

and j-son i totally know what you are saying about family. i work weekends right now so i don't go back to her home to often. when i go i don't mind it to much, for short periods. i have nothing incommon with her dad or brothers. i really like one of her brothers though. again without trying to ramble i think her mother is giving her a guilt complex. i have never said anything bad about or towards her family. i fully understand that once you say something you can never take it back.

thanks again folks. and j-son steep and 700.

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ΜΟΛΩΝ-ΛΑΒΕ
we're doomed

Just one guy's opinion who's formerly married. If you are already thinking about when she might leave you, how you might have a family and kids with another woman, etc, you probably shouldn't get married. Continue to live together and get the papaerwork done to protect you from common-law issues. If you are still together in 3 years when she finishes school, reevaluate and see where she stands. In my opinion, if you're going to be marrying a woman, she should be the only person you can imagine starting a family with. You shouldn't be able to imagine a day when she wouldn't be in your life. That said, if you do get married, I would definitely suggest you protect yourself, since this marriage sounds like it's already off to a very rocky start. Remember that a prenup is just a contract like any other, so use a lawyer and go into as much detail as possible so nothing is left up to interpretation if the day should arrive when you need to invoke the agreement.

All of that aside, I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out. Pre-marital counseling is also a good idea.

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Slowguy

(insert pithy phrase here...)

Even though you say all the right things about marriage, you're looking ahead says you really feel otherwise.....If you go into trying to protect yourself, as stated before, you start with a level of mistrust, and in the end, you will be fullfilling a self-fulfilling prophecy.......It sounds to me, like you're not ready for marriage yet.....Especially in a very materialistic/money type of way......your talk is duplistic......and it sounds like deep down, you don't trust her......



I'd hold off, or go to pre-marriage counseling, but a pre-nup, is the precursor to the end....



PS....try moving halfway between where you live now and her parents place....that way you don't waste a whole day or two in travel....

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KEEP ON TRI-NG

You should definitely consult a local family law attorney. Texas is a community property state, which means that everything you earn while married belongs equally to both spouses, including any house you purchase, any retirement funds you accrue while married, etc. You will need a lawyer to help you draft something that will get around these laws. The State Bar of Texas should be able to assist you in finding a lawyer.

You are nowhere near ready for marriage. They should have laws preventing people in your situation from getting married.

Sorry, I call it like I see it.

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Striving to have sex more than 66 times per year

I am not a family law attorney although I have an ex-wife, so I am more than halfway there;)

I did not do a prenup because I do not believe it sets a proper tone for the marriage. As a result, when it did end, I wrote some very big checks. I will not have a prenup the next time I get married because I still do not believe it sets a proper tone.

"what entitles her to something i have been working for for my family, whoever the mother may be, when she paid for none of it."

The sentence above tells me that you are not getting this marriage thing. Marriage alone entitles her to half of all of the stuff. (and this one will really hurt; if you have kids, she can walk and you will pay for the next 18-21 years!! While going to the crappy little town to visit to boot!!)

Can a prenup solve all of your problems? No. Sorry, but the short answer is no. It can, however, afford you some significant protections if you do it correctly. Or none at all if you screw it up. This is one of those occassions when trying to do it yourself or using an example from a friend is just not going to do it. So, if you go this route, use referral sources to find the very best attroney in your area doing this work and write the check.

Although the money might be better spent on counseling to bring these issues into the light of day in a structured environment. (but that's my 2 cents.)

Good luck.

Wow, Cant add more than most have already said. Been married 13 yrs. Met her, 21 years ago.

Do everyone a favor, reevaluate your thoughts on getting married. YOU ARE NOT READY.

[quote] i bought her the house we're in, with the carpet she wanted, the kitchen cabinet she choose, and the beautiful diamond ring she has[/quote]

Dont you mean, We purchased the perfect house for us that we put new carpeting in and upgraded the cabinets to what we wnated, and as a showing of my undieing love for her I purchased a beautiful diamond ring whos beauty and value pale in comparison to her and my love for her.

Your version sounds bitter, and spiteful. Mine may sound sappy but it is true.

Now did my wife pick out the carpet and cabinets, Yup because I did not care and new it was important to her, so I chose to not choose. But that was part of being 1.

off the soap box, gotta go fix her screen door, put her trim up in her house, ;')

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Just Triing
Triathlete since 9:56:39 AM EST Aug 20, 2006.
Be kind English is my 2nd language. My primary language is Dave it's a unique evolution of English.

#1 always trust your gut, if your gut feel is that she might pull a fast one that way, don't go through with the marriage and break things off NOW.

#2 depending on where you live you might already be classified as 'common law' -> it could be a bit late for a prenup, check the laws in your state asap.

One question - what is her opinion of having a pre-nup? Does she see your side of the discussion, that you have worked hard before her to build up what you have now, and that should remain as part of you in the unfortunate, and apparently unlikely (if what you say is unvarnished about her and the kind of person she is) event of the marriage not working? I've been through marriage twice, the second had a pre-nup, and I still 'lost' everything, so be careful that the pre-nup allows for any eventualities. Mind you, once the initial shock of the marriage ending is over, I presonally didn't want anything from it anyway (although the appreciation on the house(s) would have been nice, and eased the financial hardships of the first couple of years after :-)).

Best of luck.

Barry

An attorney can prepare you a pre-nup that should stand up in court. What you can do with one and how to do it varies a great deal from state to state. Our office has done some pre-nups (in Michigan). They have provided some of the really good "scenes" in our office when a pre-nup is presented for signature just before marriage. I mention this because while a pre-nup might get the financial planning aspect of your marriage down pat, it could make the more important aspects of your marriage less secure.

I don't know how else to put this, but from the concerns you are listing, you would be ill advised to marry this woman at this time. You have spelled out way too many negative thoughts. If you actually think some piece of paper is going to solve any of these problems, you are very foolish.

Find someone with whom you have common goals. These problems don't sound like they are going to be worked out.

Marco, is BC a community property province?

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"How bad can it be?" - SimpleS

hey, thanks to all, and i do mean all, who have taken time out of their day to express their opinion(s) and advice on my situation. i am very tired from trying to figure out what is going on. i am almost to the point that i don't have to worry about whether she leaves, or is going to leave. assuming she still wants to be wants to be with me, which she is telling me she does but her actions say different, each day my gut is telling me i'm outta here. i'm pretty amazed at some of the responses, i think davhamm sums it up best, wow.

to the people who think i am an awful person thinking these thoughts, all i can say is don't think something like this can never happen to you. until last week i thought the exact same thing, this type of things happens to other family members and friends, not me. prenups NEVER entered my mind prior to this week. my first post came while i was still in somewhat of a state of shock over what was happening, i wanted legal advise first, real life suggestions second, i guess i got more that i had planned. it's pretty amazing the contrast between what people are saying here v. our, i repeat our not my, friends who know us both are saying. thanks folks for the advice and wishes of luck.

jason

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ΜΟΛΩΝ-ΛΑΒΕ
we're doomed

as far as I know over here if you live 2 years with somebody you automatically become common law.

PT? You want to hear about being with a PT send me a note. I am with a PT who "travels"...I am not sure it is all worth it. Love her, sure. But then again...

Dont marry this one quit yet

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What if the Hokey Pokey is what it is all about?

And is it then a shared property situation then, say if I bring property to the relationship and my partner doesn't?

ARe you the Marco that led the ride out from Caps in Delta this evening? Long shot but it is too big a coincidence.

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"How bad can it be?" - SimpleS