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My long lost father just called me
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I'm going to attempt the abridged version...

I had a horrible childhood. My Dad was an alcoholic, and my Mom was also a little crazy. They would have these terrible terrible physical fights, that my sisters and I remember from two different perspectives. I remember this one time that my mom was kicking my dad in the face and he had her pinned down on the bed to defend himself. My sister remembers the same fight as though my dad had my mom pinned down on the bed and she was trying to kick him off of her, to defend herself. In other words, we have absolutely no idea....

My parents divorced when I was 16. I have two sisters; one was 18, and the other one was 11. After one or two weekend visits, my Dad pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. We've always believed that he didn't want us. For the last decade or so I've just told people that I don't have a Dad. We all just accepted that he was out of our lives forever and that it was his choice. I have remained close to my paternal grandmother who manages to keep up with him, so we know that he has been in the Los Angeles area for about 15 years.

Just recently, my older sister decided on a whim to contact him, which has since turned into all of us having an email relationship with him for the past month or so. It was really emotional for me at first, but then I became comfortable with the superficial "catching up" type of correspondence we've been having. Finally, last night, he displayed some emotion, remembering things I thought he had forgotten and I decided to give him my phone number.

He just called. It was weird. He sounded different, maybe drunk, maybe not, maybe just old...I don't know. It seemed like he was trying to bring up the past without really bringing it up. It was like he wanted to tell me something, but didn't want to open old wounds. He said something about being told that we never wanted to hear from him again. I couldn't get him to elaborate, but it left me wondering if my mother told him something like that a long time ago, and ran him off. That sounds like something she would do. Knowing her as an adult, I've seen how she manipulates people and situations. Confronting her is not an option, she would go ape-shit if she even knew we were talking to him. As it is, I've had to keep my relationship with my grandmother a secret just to avoid conflict. I don't know what to think or feel. I don't know if I should be angry with my mother. Can anyone please help me put this into perspective? I'm an emotional wreck right now. I don't even have the energy to proofread this so I hope it makes sense...
Last edited by: braylan: Jul 24, 08 23:01
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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Wow. I have no idea as to what you might be feeling right now except for overwhelmed.

What are your current relationships like with your sisters? Can they help you sort through all of this?

If it were me I would definitely seek out some external therapy. I think everyone shoud try it at some point in their life no matter what their circumstances are.

Go slow and keep breathing...
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Re: My long lost father just called me [QRgirl] [ In reply to ]
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My sisters and I are still very close, but it's 11:30 here and I can't call them this late. There is no way I'm going to sleep tonight. None of this should matter; I'm 35 years old, have children of my own and don't really "need" parents. I don't know why it's affecting me this way.
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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We always "need" our parents. I don't care how late it is... call your sister(s)!!! If it was me, I'd want the call. It's the best thing for you to do at this point. Are you still reading this? That's means you're not on the phone. GO! NOW! :P

You're still reading? come on now!


______________________________________
I know I'm promiscuous, but in a classy way
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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I'm half asleep, but I read this and just wanted to extend you a warm feeling before I go to sleep. You're not alone. There are a lot of people who feel your pain and we all wish you the best.

Having gone through a lot of what you have, siblings remembering things from a different perspective, fights, beatings, father leaving, crazy bitch mother, father contacting us again because he was dying.... and so on... I just wanted to tell you that in the end, if you do what's right, you be just fine.

My father is dead, but in the end he was able to tell us just how badly he messed up and that he loved us very much. He asked for forgiveness and we gave it to him. I now remember him for the good times, not the bad.

My mother has begged for forgiveness, and again, I've given it to her. She has changed a great deal and now we have an amazing relationship. I love her very much.

Keep your head up, always do the right thing, always extend love towards our family, and try not to bear the responsibility of other peoples problems.

wish you the best.

Matt
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Re: My long lost father just called me [cuds] [ In reply to ]
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They've been emailing him too, so it's not like it's brand new information that he's alive and well. I was kind of thinking I was making this "new information" much bigger than it really is, but judging by the reactions i'm getting, i guess i'm not being over emotional.
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Re: My long lost father just called me [meat~puppet] [ In reply to ]
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Thank you Matt
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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It makes me so mad what some parents put their kids through. That said, you can be proud that you made it through and that your children will never have to suffer what you and your sisters went through.

As for what is going on now, does it really matter why he didn't stay in touch -- it's a shitty and inexcusable thing to do whatever the reason. And, I doubt you'll ever get a straight answer from either your mom or dad. I think the important thing is that he's making the effort and you're not shutting him out. You don't know your father and he doesn't know you -- that doesn't seem right since he's your dad, but that's the way it is. Give it time. Get to know each other. Be wary and protect yourself until he earns your trust. If he's sincere about developing a relationship, he'll stick around and over time you may get a better understanding of what happened when you were growing up and why he left. To me, anger seems to be an entirely appropriate response, but ultimately non-productive since it's not going to change the past. QRGirl is right -- talking to someone who has some expertise in dealing with situations like this is probably your best bet.

Someone very close to me grew up with an alcoholic father. His mom was okay, but co-dependent. By the time my friend left for college, his parents were separated and he and his father were estranged. Three years later, his father was found dead in his apartment of natural causes related to alcoholism. My friend never got the chance to know his father as an adult and his childhood is colored by the bizarreness and trauma that comes with growing up with an alcoholic parent. I don't know if he regrets that he hadn't really spoken to his father for years before he died, but I know that I would. You have an opportunity here.
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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After reading some of your responses, I don't think I've been very clear about what's troubling me. I'd already accepted that I will never be that close to my dad. As far as whether or not to have a relationship with him...he's in California and I'm in Louisiana, so we're not exactly going to be having weekly dinners together anyway. What I want to know is: did my mother manipulate his absence from my life for so long? Did she rob me of a relationship with my father? Some of the things he was saying on the phone alluded to this, but he was so vague that I really don't think he was looking for excuses or trying to place blame. I just want to know what happened. And, like I said, I can't ask her and he's not opening up about it. I think I have a right to know. Do you?
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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Ask yourself what you would gain by knowing the answer to that. Will it resolve something for you? Allow you to move past it? Do you want validation that your instincts were correct?

I don't know if you need to have the answer to that question of whether you Mom kept him away from you. You have the chance now to fix it. What is past is past. Being angry about it really won't change anything. Being able to blame you Mom won't change it.

On the other hand, if you feel like this calling into question your entire relationship with you Mom then yes, you need to resolve it so you can move on.

At 35 you know the importance of your own family and you act accordingly. Sometimes that is enough.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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Wow. I really don't have anything useful to say other than to get your sisters on the phone and see what their take on the situation is.

I have no idea what your relationship with your mother is like, but it sounds like this could potentially throw that for a loop. Going on pretty minimal background and zero "actual knowledge" of the situation, I'm really hesitant to speculate on either of your parents' motives - then and now.

Regardless of how this shakes down I truly hope that you are able to find peace - and relatively quickly.


<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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Gee wiz, are we related? Having had an almost identcal childhood with a divorce at 11 years old after many years of alcohol abuse/drugs and assorted other problems, I can say there is life at the end. My mother did hold my father away from us, seeing him only once in 16 years. No letters/no contact. My sister, however, did keep contact on her own as she got older and held that info from me as well. I was 27 when she called with the info he was dying and he wanted to see us. I went to see him a month before he died... he had remarried, great life and well respected physician in the area.
My point is this...I had resented my mother and my sister for withholding my father from me for years. I still get upset at my sister when she brings up what my father was like and how I am very much like him. Thanks! I would like to know that for myself!
I have to believe 2 things... first, that my mother did what she thought was right at the time and got us away from an abusive situation. Second, that I am who I am because of the history I have, good and bad. I would be a totally different person if I had my fathers influence in my life. Could I be a better person than who I am right now? Probably.. But I am strong, independant, funny, and have a great man as my husband. I don't, however, have any kids...on purpose.
Both my parents are dead now. I am almost 50 years old so I have been there, done that with every possible emotion surrounding this issue. Would I have like to have my father? Of course! Would I trade it for the life I have made for myself...not a chance. Hold no bitterness, change how you interpret the past so it benefits you now. Be thankful for all the good you are and will be.
Good luck,
C
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Re: My long lost father just called me [cayenne] [ In reply to ]
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X2 on the "our we related" thing... While not nearly as traumatic as a few of you have written, my mom tends to like to create tension when there isn't any, play the martyr, hide things and I think that includes my father.

The thing is that we are now adults and you can manage your life on your terms. Being angry or hurt can very well be part of life, but manage it in a positive way. My mom put me thru so much shit and her response has always been, "I did it all in your best interest,". OK. So that's how she deals with it. I deal with it by saying you fucked the goose majorly here and put it in the bank of "How not to raise children".

I guess what I'm trying to get at here is if you're hurt, say so. Just let it be known, not in a dramatic fashion, but as a reminder of you don't like how you were treated. If that causes some problems, well, then not everything in the world can be fixed. But just take control of how the situation affects you and look out for yourself and YOUR family.

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Breakfast is for Closers
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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Wow Braylan, you are one tough cookie! (not as tough as Tawny's mustache, but close).

I can't imagine what you are going through.

I would say that I agree with 140pt6 that at some point you will probably tell your mom how you feel, in a non dramatic way. As I type this I am trying to think of something that would be tougher to do than this, like curing all cancers or skipping to the moon.

When I am in times of personal distress like this, I have found that working out is a great outlet. That probably goes without saying in this crowd.
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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Things like this are not easy to deal with. I have been dealing with a family situation for the past four years that has pretty much torn our VERY close family appart.

My best advice is for you to think about what YOU REALLY want from this and then to be selfish about it. I am not a fan of being selfish but from experience you will find that everyone around you is going to be selfish and try to get out what they want from the situation. This was a very hard thing for me to deal with because I am always thinking about everyone else first. So looking back I would love to have been there for everyone, their feelings and desires but I would have put myself number one. So please do some serious thinking about what you want and don't be afraid to think of yourself first.

You can always PM me if you would like to talk in more detail or need some support.



"your horse is too high" - tigerchik
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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I got my father back on the phone last night and confirmed what I thought I had heard. Evidently, my mother not only told him to stay away from us, but also had a restraining order in place. There are two reasons why this makes me very angry:
1. She has told us all these years that he didn't want anything to do with us.
2. He was not the violent one; she was. He was not an angel; he was a sloppy non-violent drunk who always walked away with his tail between his legs every time she told him too. I don't think these are grounds for a restraining order. She did it to be a bitch.

He's asking me not to "go there" so I'm going to try to let this anger go. However, in light of this new information, I don't think it's fair to have to keep my communication with him a secret. I shouldn't have to ask my children to keep it a secret. My 12 year old daughter has jumped on the email bandwagon and she's really excited about it. I am dreading the drama that all of this is going to cause. Any suggestions?
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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Yup - come clean with your mother, tell her of your conversations with your dad and that you are really angry she did that to you and your sisters. Don't expect anything from the conversation other than your own catharsis. She might not apologize and you need to be OK with it if she doesn't. It will be ugly but this whole thing is ugly.

Be sure and talk to your sisters first though. If you can become a united front in some way then it will help you get through this.

Your kids shouldn't have to lie about this and it sounds like that is where this is going.

I hope you get what you need from this. Your kids are lucky to have an opportunity to meet their grandfather.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jen

"In order to keep a true perspective on one's importance, everyone should have a dog that worships him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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Very sad to hear your story. I have never experienced anything like that so I don't know. I wish I could give you some advice but my personality is one of shoot first ask questions later. But I was told once never to react when angry. Don't let your anger take over think things over. You are an adult and have children of your own. You are a mother as was your mother so I would wait till morning and talk to her about it. Your dad could have contacted you through your grandmother as well, so he had many years to catch up with you but he didn’t. Your mother may have felt that she needed to protect you and your sisters from a difficult life. Whatever you decide to do, do it after two paracetamol tablets and chi tea.
“I wish I practice what I preach “
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Re: My long lost father just called me [meat~puppet] [ In reply to ]
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What great advice. You are one of a kind.
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Re: My long lost father just called me [braylan] [ In reply to ]
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My parents divorced when I was 21 and my dad was an alcoholic. We all live in the same city and after nearly 25 years, my parents will be seen at the same party now. I can't imagine the can of whoop ass that has been opened in your life. You are about to have some major drama. I would suggest getting a professional to help you through this time. You don't want it to affect your relationship with YOUR husband and kids. My only advice going forward is to understand your relationship with your parents has some severe limitations. Take what they have to give and be happy with it. Just don't let this affect your family. Best wishes.

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I'll be what I am
A solitary man
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