You said:
Quote:
I value honesty above lack of conflict
Yet you said:
Quote:
I find myself using this phrase to people who say yes and then never do what they said yes to. Some people are conditioned not to say no even when they mean it.
It often means
I would like your help with this but I would much rather come up with a plan B than be depending on you for something you will never deliver.
Wouldn't the honest thing be to say what you mean (bolded above)?
In addition, why are you asking people to help you when they've said yes before and not followed through? If you don't trust their "yes," then you can say, "thanks for saying yes, but before when I asked your help with x, you did not do it, so are you serious now?"
Or better yet, when they let you down previously, have you asked them about it then? What kind of responses did you get? Did you get some sincere apologies? Did you get apologies that you judged insincere?
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I really would love input. I hate wasting time and I really struggle with people who can't communicate what they want and later get all resentful. They had an out that they didn't take. Yet they are
resentful at me - there is a communication gap - to the extent I am even trying to give them additional outs - and they still don't take them and still get annoyed.
Ding, ding, ding. You have revealed the problem with whole "you don't have to say yes" thing. Are you concerned about them, or about yourself, in other words is the driver here that you don't like it when people act resentful to you?
I share your unhappiness with resentful helpers -- I've experienced them and even been one sometimes.
But have you ever asked someone about the behavior you consider "resentful"? What do they say? Do they say they are resentful?
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Please give me a better way of getting conflict avoidant people to say no if they don't want to do something so I can move on and not deal with their moodiness which IMO should be directed inward at themselves for the lack of a spine.
Has your current approach worked for you? Do these folks now say no? Does this approach eliminate the moodiness you seek to avoid?
A bigger question to me is this: Is there a better way of identifying true and good friends than asking for help and learning who will be a reliable and cheerful helper?
Lastly, if a person says "yes" and does not do it -- or says yes and does not do it with a good spirit -- that is their failing. Many do this. You cannot fix it and should not let it bother you. All you can do is hope that sometime later they will become people of their word. Meanwhile, when you need help, ask your true friends, the reliable and cheerful helpers. And don't slip up and say, "you don't have to say yes" because they would have every right to be offended.
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It doesn't really matter what Phil is saying, the music of his voice is the appropriate soundtrack for a bicycle race. HTupolev