So she left her country / family / friends behind to be with you and you don't seem to think that was much of a sacrifice?

Sure it's a huge sacrifice, but how do you move on as a couple if one continually uses that for every argument? At some stage in the marriage that trump card loses its lustre. It's the same as forgiveness, or dwelling on a mistake, depending on which side of the fence you are sitting. Everything that is wrong in the relationship cannot be blamed on her having to move here.

She thinks your lazy around the house (and at the end of the post seems you agree with her) and that you don't spend enough time with her and the kids (and you agree)

I'm certainly no slob around the house. I do everything outside, I clean up after myself, though on occasions she'll give me the third degree about how I could have put my cup in the dishwasher after I honestly got distracted. If I then point out her plate in the bedroom she fires up. She doesn't like it when it's pointed out to her that she is often hypocritical. I recently changed jobs to something a lot more stressful so we could afford a house. I'd have rather stay put but it needed to be done for the family. The short term pain is working at home a lot.

Time with the kids is a consequence of us not making the effort to find something we can do together. I'm hopeful that through the coming winter work will have settled down and nights will belong to the family again.

especially if one partner is not around the house enough

Actually I am around the house a lot. I don't really see any of my friends, haven't socialised pretty much since we've been married. She's historically been a bit cold to one or two and even my own family don't feel comfortable turning up unannounced. The last two years most of my training has been done in the gym out the back so she's not shackled to the house as our son can watch movies whilst I did train. A lot of my training was done before they even woke. I swim after the kids have gone to bed. Emotionally I might be somewhat distant.

Rick_pcfl
She's probably thinking of what it would be like back home

I'll explain what it was like for her back home. She lived with her parents and they did everything for her. When we separated her parents did a tonne for our son and she still bossed them around. They told me she has always been impossible to live with. They love her and would do anything for her, but they felt like they lost their own home when she was there and they bit their tongue because of our son. She's never been independent and in my eyes that's part of the problem. I did a bulk of her college work from the other side of the globe. She doesn't appreciate the stress of day to day living.

She's had perhaps half a dozen relationships of varying length prior to me. They all ended up the same. 'He' didn't treat her right. Coincidence or just rotten luck? She even fallen out with her best friend for months at a time, and the friend is as placid as they come. There's more to it than written here.

It sounds as if she told you what she needed in the counseling session and you didn't listen because you were insisting on getting what you wanted

Not true. I've stated previously that I acknowledged my faults and how I could change but when I raised my problems with her (which extend well beyond those listed here), and the counsellor agreed they were valid, she said they were all a consequence of me. Everyone that knows us both knows this is only part true. After that it was like, well what's the point of therapy when only one party come to the table. So we gave up. She needs to understand that true happiness first comes from being proactive and not relying on others to do it all for you. All I want is for her to be proactive. From that will come my respect and the desire to be around her more often.

You must first understand that you cannot have it your way all the time

Actually around here I get little my own way. I come home from work. The kids are watching tv whilst eating dinner (ding!). After dinner it's her shows so I sit on the nearby computer to try and catch up on current affairs. I take whatever is dished up. She pretty much always gets the last word in any argument and I often end up sitting in silence as she fires further salvos. She's admitted in the past she hates it when I go the silent treatment and don't fight back. I've stated above that my family and friends pretty much don't come around because she's often moody. The only thing I freely admit I got 'my own way' was her living here and my on again, off again training (done 50% + of the time when they're asleep). I have made concessions over the years.

MJuric
Sounds like someone was raised by parents that felt that smacking them around was just fine, hit there, smack there "Hey look at me I turned out fine so hitting my kids must be fine". Really it's just lazy parenting, ineffective at best, clearly emotionally and possibly physically damaging at worst.

To the OP, no you didn't turn out "Just fine". Being professionally successful does not make you emotionally successful.

There are also those who were raised by parents who think running around causing chaos in public is endearing, giggle in embarrassment when their child takes a toy from another or pushes one over. Hey modern parenting is all the rage, no discipline, let them learn for themselves. Don't have to look far from the news channels to see yet another drunken street party with out of control teenagers assaulting police. There are extremes to lazy parenting. You know little about my parents so please don't go casting judgement on them.

The occasional smack taught us right from wrong in quick fashion. I could argue that other form of parenting is inefficient because it takes longer to get the same message across, but people are free to do what they like within the law.

I don't think we turned out 'fine' because we are all professionals. Fine is not the right word, perhaps 'ok'. Who really is 'fine'? None of us did drugs, my brother and I don't drink, no one smokes, no one has been in trouble with the law, we've never started physical fights (I've had to defend myself in high school, but not many haven't), we respect others and my parents tell me that I personally am the favourite with many of our extended relations.

Oh I have major self esteem issues, but believe me they have nothing to do with my family upbringing. My wife has just as many. But I don't blame her for all my unhappiness. Until she stops blaming me for all of hers it's very hard to move forward. Perhaps then we can start talking about a mutually acceptable way to discipline our son! :)


Judging by your responses, you obviously feel you have done everything you can and are 100% in the right. If so, why bother posting to begin with or at least why this post? Perhaps your question should be "How do I get someone to view things the same way as me, since I am sure I am right and I'm not going to change."

Of course I'm not sure if you'd want to post that because all those "I"s in the question will be a pretty big indicator of what the problem is.

None of that "discipline" prevented me from doing what I was doing. I just saw it as the price of admission.

This.

100% agree. Parents put the marriage first, everything else should follow. Your job as a parent is to prepare your child to go out into the world on their own. You do this by modeling behavior you want them to emulate, and correcting behavior that you don't want them to have.

Also, likely one of the biggest decisions in a person's life is their choice of a mate. You want to model a great marriage so they know what to look for in a spouse.