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Jens Voigt vs Chuck Norris
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Because this is too funny not to share :-D

For those of you who might not know Jens Voigt — he is arguably the toughest of strongmen of the peloton, known for his long, often successful solo breakaways, yet another of which, at age 36, attacking with 36 km to go, he pulled off the other day to win a stage of the Giro, dropping the likes of world champ Paolo Bettini and Italian superstar Daniele Bennati. He’s also unfailingly cheerful and friendly off the bike, perhaps the most well-liked member of the peloton.

Jens Voigt doesn’t read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.
Waldo can’t be found because Jens dropped him on a hill training ride… on K2.
Jens doesn’t spin or mash the pedals… he kicks them into submission.
Jens Voigt puts the “laughter” in “Manslaughter.”
Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn’t actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.
If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google “Jens Voigt,” the only result you get is “it’s not to late to take up Football, Fred.”
Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting “Attack!” in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.
Jens’ testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.
Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960’s, where he became a great champion.
Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ass.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick… and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.
If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.
If Jens Voigt was a planet, he’d be the World of Hurt.
Jens Voigt doesn’t know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.
Jens Voigt doesn’t have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment.
Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “who has more testicles” contest. Jens won… by five.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks.
You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats spring steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. For between-meal snacks he eats men’s souls, and downs it with a tall cool glass of The Milk of Human Suffering.
Jens Voigt believes it’s not butter.
Jens Voigt can eat just one.
The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt’s wheel, but cracked.
Jens Voigt doesn’t complain about what suffering does to him… but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.
Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.
Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.
Jens’s tears are so tough they could be the world heavyweight mixed-martial arts champion. Too bad Jens never cries.
Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn’t try to drop himself.
Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn’t believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it’s white with the salty, dried tears of all the riders whose souls he has crushed.
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Re: Jens Voigt vs Chuck Norris [crocked_knee] [ In reply to ]
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I am glad to see you know that Jens is the bestest.

customerjon @gmail.com is where information happens.
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Re: Jens Voigt vs Chuck Norris [crocked_knee] [ In reply to ]
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www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=16061072339

That's you that is!


"How bad can it be?" - SimpleS
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Re: Jens Voigt vs Chuck Norris [crocked_knee] [ In reply to ]
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If you had posted this before the tour down under, I would have printed it and given it to him. I'm sure he would have loved it. =)
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Re: Jens Voigt vs Chuck Norris [crocked_knee] [ In reply to ]
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Jesus wears a bracelet that reads "WWJVD" "What would Jens Voigt do"...


Ride Hard! Have Fun!
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Re: Jens Voigt vs Chuck Norris [crocked_knee] [ In reply to ]
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But Superman wears Fabian Cancellara pyjamas.

Vanity Blog http://triathlonfoolishness.blogspot.com/
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Re: Jens Voigt vs Chuck Norris [crocked_knee] [ In reply to ]
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awesome post about an awesome rider, love his work. A few tours ago after he had done one of his famous breakaways the peleton were in the mountains and the people started moaning about how tough it was (most likely the sprinters, those that had not packed up and gone home at the first site of a hill anyway). Jens told everyone to can it and just get on with it and that eveyrbody was suffering.

Love his work, he makes the tour interesting and my first cycling top was one I bought of mr Voight after an event he did in Australia and was selling all his stuff, cool guy
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Re: Jens Voigt vs Chuck Norris [Mr. Tibbs] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
I am glad to see you know that Jens is the bestest.

I'm glad you agree.

-jens
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Re: Jens Voigt vs Chuck Norris [crocked_knee] [ In reply to ]
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Sweet. Jens has been my favorite rider for years. Love his chutzpah. And he's German.

*****
"In case of flood climb to safety"
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Re: Jens Voigt vs Chuck Norris [jcurtis] [ In reply to ]
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Jens is awesome on the bike. But what makes me a fan is that he combines his on-the-bike ferociousness with off-the-bike intelligence, humor and humility. And he manages it all with a wife and four kids!
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