Slowtwitch Forums: The Womens: partner with low sex drive

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Slowtwitch Forums: The Womens:
partner with low sex drive

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kben102

Jul 4, 08 6:52

Post #1 of 40 (2643 views)

partner with low sex drive	Can't Post

I am divorced and have been dating someone for 4 months. We waited the first month to have sex, and it has taken the last 3 to realize he has a low sex drive. The sex is great when it happens, but he says he has never needed it more than once or twice a month. I don't think I can stay in a long term relationship with these numbers. He is perfect for me in every other way, so I really don't know how to handle this. Any suggestions?

LovePugs

Jul 4, 08 7:05

Post #2 of 40 (2637 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I'm in the same boat as you, except 1-2 times a month would be an improvement.

No advice, just empathy... :-)

diva

Jul 4, 08 8:55

Post #3 of 40 (2590 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

How old is he? How is his health? Have you told him this is important to you?

last tri in 83

Jul 4, 08 9:42

Post #4 of 40 (2564 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

gay?

_____________________________________________
Atilla the Hun could rise from the dead and endorse Obama and it wouldn't faze me in the least.
--MattinSF

kben102

Jul 4, 08 10:18

Post #5 of 40 (2545 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [last tri in 83] [In reply to]	Can't Post

He says he is not gay, but I think he has some gay tendencies. He is 38 and in good health. He runs 30 or so miles a week. We have discussed it recently and he says that sex has just never been impt to him. He is very affectionate, and attentive. We both have kids, so only twice a week are we alone together. He also goes to bed a lot earlier than me and seems to require overall a lot more down time. I almost never stop unless I'm sleeping, so we are definitely wired differently. He says he is very attracted to me and it is definitely not a problem with arousal. I just don't get it.

Marco in BC

Jul 4, 08 10:27

Post #6 of 40 (2540 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

In Reply To

I just don't get it.

religious reasons?

--
A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.

kath21

Jul 4, 08 10:45

Post #7 of 40 (2530 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

What kind of work does he do? I know that's a weird question but I know some guys with Asperger Syndrome and they can be like this with sex. They also tend to need more down time and time by themselves. If you do a search on the internet there is tons of info on it.

BrianE

Jul 4, 08 10:55

Post #8 of 40 (2523 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Low testosterone levels?

kben102

Jul 4, 08 11:01

Post #9 of 40 (2518 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [Marco in BC] [In reply to]	Can't Post

He isn't religious. I am thinking low testosterone. He is a writer, with a low-stress position.

Marco in BC

Jul 4, 08 11:06

Post #10 of 40 (2513 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

In Reply To

I am thinking low testosterone. He is a writer, with a low-stress position.

I also agree with the previous poster to investigate if he's Asperger, some writers are, a friend of mine is in a relationship with a very Asperger guy and she's in your same boat

--
A wise man can learn more from a foolish question than a fool can learn from a wise answer.

cerveloguy

Jul 4, 08 11:38

Post #11 of 40 (2496 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Ask him if he's been this way with other partners.

I hate to bring it up, but it could possibly be in the chemistry between the two of you.

"OK, I'll admit I screwed up the facts"

kben102

Jul 4, 08 12:03

Post #12 of 40 (2481 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [cerveloguy] [In reply to]	Can't Post

No--he said he has never required much sex. He was married for 10 years and he said they averaged 1-2 times a month. We had been having sex 1-2 times a week, but then he confided that it was an effort to have it that often! I am afraid that if I stick with this, it will end up being a huge problem. At 40, I don't want to end up in a sexless relationship. So, is there a remedy?

kitboo

Jul 4, 08 12:53

Post #13 of 40 (2453 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I would address this issue with him directly and kindly--just as you would if there was a difference is your views of managing money, having more kids, or any other relationship issue. It could just be a difference of sex drive, but it could also be an issue of intimacy. It may take quite a few conversations to come to a solution and a compromise is definitely at hand (no pun--really!).
Good Luck!

jenhs

Jul 4, 08 13:36

Post #14 of 40 (2438 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Unfortunately this might mean the two of you are incompatable. This is an important part of a relationship to agree on and if one of you is unhappy then the long term prospects probably aren't great. If he just doesn't have a strong sex drive all the talking in the world isn't going to change that and will likely make him feel worse about it. I imagine it isn't easy for him to discuss because of the implications of being gay, as has already been brought up. Not everyone has a strong sex drive and in the right partnership it just doesn't matter.

I'm sorry if this is harsh but since you are pretty new into the relationship this might be the time to make the tough decision and move on.
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Jenhs

bunnyman

Jul 4, 08 14:03

Post #15 of 40 (2422 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Vibrator, perhaps?

No, I was being neither condescending nor flip.

Seriously, I think the sex frequency issue is a deal-breaker. If I would have known my wife doesn't like sex after marriage as she did before, I probably would be still single. After all, she was perfect in every other way, as well.

How important is sex to you? If you answered "very", it is time to reassess the situation.

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Dammit! I still smell like cotton candy!!!

bunnyman

Jul 4, 08 14:07

Post #16 of 40 (2419 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

after reading this post, it sounds like you need to cut your losses and get out. You can't change a man.

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Dammit! I still smell like cotton candy!!!

PC

Jul 4, 08 14:44

Post #17 of 40 (2402 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Oh that is a tough situation. Sorry! He was married for 10 years and only had sex 2x month...maybe that was one of the causes of his divorce. Who knows but it's a definite deal breaker. I mean you could try and work on the problem but he all ready told you that he doesn't have a strong sex drive.

Sex in your 40's is soooo wonderful and delicious you really don't want to miss out. Good luck with your decision.

AndyPants

Jul 4, 08 21:36

Post #18 of 40 (2293 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Ouch. Personally I would walk away. Only because I have a crazy-high drive compared even to most men. I spent a lot of years in a mediocre or worse marriage in that kind of mismatched situation and was really quite lonely because of it.

You have to decide how important it is to you. As does he. There are things you, and he, can do to try and improve the situation. But you both have to want to really try.

AP
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AndyPantsRacing
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Co-founder of FoodSluts (TM) - where training is a warm-up to eating.

flyer521

Jul 6, 08 16:48

Post #19 of 40 (1919 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I am so sorry you have been having a rough time. I get grumpy when my boyfriend and i only have sex 3-4 times a week so i can only imagine what you're going through. personally, it would be a deal breaker for me, and it sounds like you are having enough trouble that it might be for you to. in addition to wanting the physical aspect of sex, i find that when my guy isn't interested for whatever reason, it doesn't make me feel good, because at that point, for whatever reason i think he doesn't find me attractive, wonderful etc. i know we live in a sex-driven society, but i think great sex is often indicative of a great relationship (other than the odd hot one night stand) and vice versa. there is an emotional aspect to sex that makes you compatible, not just physical. try seeing if he'll get tested for low-testosterone etc, but sex drive really isn't something you can force.

at any rate, i hope things work out for the best for you either way!
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Meowelk

Jul 7, 08 6:58

Post #20 of 40 (1765 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I've heard that low zinc levels can cause a drastically reduced sex drive. (Jillian McKeith on "You are what you eat" says it all the time.) Not sure if a blood test would be worth it and/or the answer, but it's an idea other than getting out of the relationship. Good luck!

fitzie

Jul 7, 08 7:54

Post #21 of 40 (1731 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

If sex is important to you in a relationship then this will become a major problem.
It's usually during the first several months of a relationship when people have sex a lot.

"then you come to Killer Miller, and uhm, well sorry".
kny (Kyle) architect of the Savageman course.

Large

Jul 7, 08 9:45

Post #22 of 40 (1693 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [flyer521] [In reply to]	Can't Post

In Reply To

I get grumpy when my boyfriend and i only have sex 3-4 times a week so i can only imagine what you're going through.

Ah, those were the days. Long before kids.

To the OP, I'd add another voice saying that this is indeed a deal-breaker for a long-term relationship. While there is a lot more to a relationship than sex, it is one very important part.

Katy

Jul 7, 08 10:02

Post #23 of 40 (1681 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Is he possibly depressed? Depression is not always as obvious as sadness. I was in a relationship for several years with someone who was depressed but refused to get help for it. Low sex drive was a major issue for us. I spent a lot of time feeling rejected. I've heard it said sex is 20% of the relationship when it's good and 80% when it's bad, or something like that.
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http://web.mac.com/kjossy
Awww, Katy's not all THAT evil. Only slightly evil. In a good way. - JasoninHalifax
If Katy wants it that way, then that's the way Katy gets it.-big kahuna

determination

Jul 7, 08 13:14

Post #24 of 40 (1580 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [Katy] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I'm of the opinion that different people have different levels of need, when it comes to any aspect of the relationship. Physical touch, conversation, etc.
It might just be strokes n' folks, as my friend likes to say.

jeffp

Jul 7, 08 18:56

Post #25 of 40 (1455 views)

Re: partner with low sex drive [kben102] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Depressed? Hypothyroid? The latter can cause a lot of things as many here are aware and definetly not just a womens disease. I need my TSH to be around 0.3 to feel good all around, much higher and it is like slouch time, less desire, more tired, more forgetful, less engaged, kinda robotic, etc. Exercise levels can remain high which might not lead to one suspecting it. When I tell people I have a thyroid condition, they always assume hyper and so miss the boat.

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