Slowtwitch Forums: The Womens: Wedding Shower Question

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Wedding Shower Question

Irongirl

Jun 5, 08 12:09

Post #1 of 12 (557 views)

Wedding Shower Question	Can't Post

I just received an invitation to my cousin's wedding shower. Due to plans made months ago, I can't attend.

Do I need to send a gift for it?

*I am not invited to the wedding. The only family members invited were grandparents and Aunts/Uncles*

And I thought 'proper etiquette' was to only invite wedding guests to showers? Or is that out of date?

Proud member of the Guru Cartel, EH!

deee

Jun 5, 08 12:23

Post #2 of 12 (543 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [Irongirl] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I have no idea what proper etiquette is for the female side of things for a wedding... too many male friends! But I am quite interested to know so that if one day I actually have a female friend or two, I don't F it up!
That said, I've had a wedding invitation sitting on my kitchen counter for almost 2 months now that I haven't RSVP'd to because I'm not sure if I can go. Apparently there's a bunch of us that haven't replied because we got a group e-mail telling us we had til the end of the week. Not sure what I'm gonna do...
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DawnT

Jun 5, 08 12:23

Post #3 of 12 (543 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [Irongirl] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Personally, I think it's rude to invite someone to the wedding shower who isn't invited to the wedding. Seems like a gift-grab to me.

IMO, you do not need to send a gift. However, it would be a nice gesture, especially if you care about this cousin and want to stay close to her.

kylie

Jun 5, 08 12:24

Post #4 of 12 (543 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [Irongirl] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Planning my wedding right now... I didn't want people to feel they needed to send gifts, so I asked my aunts for advice about even sending invites to some of the family members I knew wouldn't be able to make it (and who I am really not very close to). My aunt replied that all want the info, and to not worry about the gift issue. Some will choose to send, some won't. And that is just fine.

In your situation, if it was some one I wasn't close to, I would send an email or maybe a card. An acknowledgment and congratulations and best wishes kind of thing. If I was close, perhaps a small gift (but if close I'd also be more hurt by not being invited).

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tri2tri

Jun 5, 08 12:25

Post #5 of 12 (543 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [Irongirl] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Personally, I think it is proper to only invite those that are invited to the wedding to showers and that is what we did when we got married 2 years ago. I think it is a bit presumptuous to ask people to give you a gift (which is what a shower essentially is) and come and celebrate your impending marriage, yet you aren't including them in the big day. However, since it is a cousin, I would give them a little slack.

In regards to sending a gift, I believe the proper thing to do is to send a gift to the hostess' home so that your cousin can open it at the shower with the rest of her gifts and just write a quick note saying thank you for including me and I'm sorry I wasn't able to be there to help you celebrate.

Even though you weren't invited to the wedding and I think it is a bit rude that you were then invited to a shower, in the end you look like the bigger person if anyone is thinking along those lines. Just my 2 cents.

lilpups

Jun 5, 08 12:26

Post #6 of 12 (542 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [Irongirl] [In reply to]	Can't Post

My understanding (having gotten married last summer - though I bailed on having a shower) was that you only invite those to the shower that are also invited to the wedding. If you were invited to the wedding I'd say that you should send gift even though you won't be there. However, not being invited to the wedding you're probably only technically on the hook for a nice card and your best wishes.

If you do have a good relationship with this cousin though - and the available funds - you can always pull together a small bridal shower gift (go to their regsitry and pick up a handful of the small items - things like spatulas, wooden spoons, kitchen towels, etc - things that don't cost a lot) and send those along with a note. Or if your mom or your grandmother was also invited you could go in with them and buy something and then add your name to the card.

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Irongirl

Jun 5, 08 12:43

Post #7 of 12 (531 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [Irongirl] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Sorry, forgot one (big) part. Not invited to the wedding as it's in France and it's a smallish (70 or so) wedding.

They live in the States (rest of our side of the family lives in Canada) and they registered at Crate and Barrel and Bloomingdales.

Some of us in the family thought maybe they'd be having a family get together but it doesn't seem like they are. Which is too bad as it would be a fun time and nice to see them.

Proud member of the Guru Cartel, EH!

Irongirl

Jun 5, 08 12:51

Post #8 of 12 (526 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [lilpups] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Since they registered at Crate and Barrel and Bloomingdales, I think some kitchen spoons are out of the question :)

I was married 3 years ago and everyone at the shower, had been invited to the wedding. If they couldn't make the shower, I did NOT expect a gift.

I think the shower is for a lot of people to attend as there is a girl's night out the night before - of which I also don't get as I'm not going to the wedding.

Proud member of the Guru Cartel, EH!

dupeetriclub

Jun 5, 08 16:32

Post #9 of 12 (473 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [DawnT] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I second that!

mj

Jun 5, 08 18:04

Post #10 of 12 (451 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [Irongirl] [In reply to]	Can't Post

My guess is that she is thinking of the shower as the "party" for all the people in the US that aren't going to France. I think the etiquette is still if you aren't invited to the wedding you aren't invited to the shower. However destination/far away weddings bring up special circumstances.
I don't think you have to send a gift, but if it was me and I was at all close to that cousin I probably would.

TriToy

Jun 5, 08 18:07

Post #11 of 12 (450 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [Irongirl] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Wedding showers are fairly new - used to only be that there were baby showers....
so etiquette wise a bit of a gray zone....
They seem in general sort of a gift grab, and I would not feel any pressure to send a gift....

if it is a cousin you are close to go ahead and do something on the registry, else just let it be....
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wickedcheezit

Jun 6, 08 5:43

Post #12 of 12 (406 views)

Re: Wedding Shower Question [Irongirl] [In reply to]	Can't Post

when it is family it is always best to go ahead and get the gift.

If they are registered just get something small off the registry to have delivered to their home -- if you hurry you could probably get the gravy boat, usually one of the cheapest items. Or if someone else is going to the shower, go get some small appliance (a step stool is always a good idea that people don't think of getting but will get lots of use) and ask someone to take it to the shower for you.

If the bride is in your family, you don't want to be remember as the one who did not get the gift and brides (having a tendancy to be self centered) really do tend to remember stuff like this.
Good luck