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Love advice needed from the Womens
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axlsix3
Jun 30, 08 0:04
Post #1 of 42 (1910 views)
Love advice needed from the Womens
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Long time lurker and I need your advice.
I have a co-worker that I've been hanging out with a lot and I'm in love with her (I'm male). She is not dating anyone at the moment so she has spent a fair amount of time with me hanging out after work. I feel that we have a great connection and we are very comfortable around each other. Lately I've been receiving vibes from her (some examples are emails such as "i really enjoy hanging out with you", touching my shoulder with her hand whenever she gets up to leave or when she comes back, wiping food off my chin with her hand instead of saying 'you have something stuck there fool', and of course a lot of touching with the arms). So finally I couldn't hold back anymore and told her that I feel this great connection between us that could be more than friendship and if she felt the same way about me. Well fudge me but she came back with the 'I also feel a great connection to you but not in a romantic way'. Boy was I crushed!
Now rewind back to about a year ago, we were drinking at the company Xmas party and ending up kissing (what is it about Xmas parties and shenanigans!) but afterward she decided that the work thing was in the way so we didn't pursue it.
So back to the present, we had a long talk and she indicated that if she would've felt something romantically the first time around she could've worked around the work thing (I'm now getting mixed signals). The advice I'm looking for is should I continue to hang out with her and hope that she might change her mind down the road (we always have a great time together and have good chemistry) or suck it up, be honest with myself, and limit my time with her because I don't want to get hurt. My gut tells me that I'm f**cked and that I should back off and slowly limit my interaction with her outside of work. Since she is also a triathlete (a newbie) I've left out some details in case she should happen to discover this board. Please PM me if you need specifics. I really could use some sound advice as I don't want to do something stupid to ruin our great friendship but I also do not want to get hurt.
I know, I should HTFU but I have very strong feelings for this woman and parts of me are saying if you really believe and care about something you should fight for it with every ounce of your being.
TriToy
Jun 30, 08 3:37
Post #2 of 42 (1894 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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Hang out with her as long as you can handle that the touching etc are because you are like a brother to her....
sorry
---
cat formerly CatIsTriing
Sponsored by Suntheanine, Lycored and Celadrin
Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History
--Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
kittycat
Jun 30, 08 5:00
Post #3 of 42 (1876 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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i didn't like my husband at first. but he worked hard to get my interest, and it's impossible not to like that. IMO, you should be upfront and sweep her off her feet.
Moa Artisan
DawnT
Jun 30, 08 6:25
Post #4 of 42 (1839 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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If you want to stay her friend and that will be enough for you, then continue what you've been doing. If you want more than that, then stop how you've been acting and start acting like someone who wants more. I think she is having trouble seeing you as a boyfriend because you have already filled the friend role. If you stop being the friend, then she will start seeing you differently. Stop seeing her after work unless it's a real date. Be less accessible and make the times you are together more meaningful. Good luck.
leslieW
Jun 30, 08 8:30
Post #5 of 42 (1766 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [DawnT]
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I concur with DawnT. Some women need the challenge. If you back off she figure out soon enough if her feelings for you go beyond friendship once she starts missing you. Either way you'll know for sure.
Good Luck,
Leslie
____________________________
Life is Short...Run Long
axlsix3
Jun 30, 08 8:32
Post #6 of 42 (1765 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [kittycat]
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kittycat - any specific suggestions? Should I continue to have drinks or dinner or help her paint her apartment, etc. To DawnT's point, I do like her idea of limiting my time and make it only seem like 'date' time but my thoughts are if I spend more time with her and do things that are more than just dinner & drinks after work then she "might" see me in a different light such as 'oh he's really handy or oh he knows how to cook, fix the toilet, good with kids, etc.
Or I should really look for a sign from god.
axlsix3
Jun 30, 08 8:34
Post #7 of 42 (1762 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [wolffpack]
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Thx wolffpack but we do work together in the same building so there is a chance for us to see each other everyday so I don't know how much she'll miss me :)
cuds
Jun 30, 08 8:37
Post #8 of 42 (1759 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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If you knew definitively that you had 100% no shot with her, would you still do things for her (paint her apartment, etc.) and hang out with her in the same fashion (drinks or dinner, etc.)? If the answer is yes, then keep doing these things. She's obviously a valuable friend, if she can be nothing else. If the answer is no, then stop. Doing all this with the hope that she might one day change her mind about you is a disaster waiting to happen - trust me, a friend of mine had this issue with me and no we don't even talk anymore :(
_____________________________________
Stop being such a scrotetard and htfu!
trackie clm
Jun 30, 08 8:39
Post #9 of 42 (1758 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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>>then she "might" see me in a different light such as 'oh he's really handy or oh he knows how to cook, fix the toilet, good with kids, etc. <<
Like a handyman???
Seriously, like Dawn said, back off. Cut out the after work stuff, unless it's a real date. Be "busy" and let her wonder what she's missing.
clm
http://ironclm.typepad.com
M4044AG'er
Jun 30, 08 9:04
Post #10 of 42 (1740 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [cuds]
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Seriously.........
Is it possible for two straight people of the opposite sex to have a platonic relationship?
The only thing that keeps me "friends" with a female "friend" is my 20 year marriage to my best "friend".
Hurry Up Every Chance You Get
(formerly LuctorEtEmergo)
cuds
Jun 30, 08 9:09
Post #11 of 42 (1734 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [LuctorEtEmergo]
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Seriously.........
Is it possible for two straight people of the opposite sex to have a platonic relationship?
Absolutely it is. My closest friends are guys. I think you're really missing out on something if you can't have platonic relationships with someone of the opposite sex - I know I sure would be.
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Stop being such a scrotetard and htfu!
axlsix3
Jun 30, 08 9:21
Post #12 of 42 (1720 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [trackie clm]
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clm - like I mentioned earlier, she's a newbie triathlete and I'm currently helping her train for her first race. Would it be a shitty move for me to say 'sorry I can't help you any more?' I'm thinking I might come off as a major jerk if I did this.
Steve-oH!
Jun 30, 08 10:13
Post #13 of 42 (1692 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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you put yourself in the "friend zone" a long time ago...little chance you will recover from that....sorry to break it to you but that is the way it works...
women will not like you because you do nice things for them....women will only like you more if they are ALREADY attracted to you and you do "some" nice things or romantic things....guys screw this up constantly...especially young guys......
do yourself a favor and vow never to do something nice for a women to TRY and make them LIKE YOU...
if you do nice thing for an attractive women it screams "needy" to them....women like confidence...someone who is having a great life and may invite someone to come along with them...and by the way....looks are very secondary to women...confidence and a man that is a challenge comes first with attractive women....
trackie clm
Jun 30, 08 10:45
Post #14 of 42 (1670 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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Well, then listen to what Steve-Oh said.
clm
http://ironclm.typepad.com
fitzie
Jun 30, 08 11:09
Post #15 of 42 (1657 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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Has this happened before with another girl "friend"? Do you find yourself hanging on to friendships with women you can't have romantically? Just want to make sure it's not a pattern, which would be a problem in itself.
"then you come to Killer Miller, and uhm, well sorry".
kny (Kyle) architect of the Savageman course.
M4044AG'er
Jun 30, 08 11:26
Post #16 of 42 (1642 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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Quote
like I mentioned earlier, she's a newbie triathlete and I'm currently helping her train for her first race. Would it be a shitty move for me to say 'sorry I can't help you any more?' I'm thinking I might come off as a major jerk if I did this.
Yep, you'd come off like a jerk.
I think alot of what SteveOh Said is right. Being freindly gets you friends. Been down that road myself.
There's not a damn thing wrong with telling her how hot she looks in her Tri-Top. Be a little Coy with it. With you helping her with her training there has got to be tons of opportunities......Ya gotta flirt man......Let her know you think she's attractive. Just don't go overboard, keep it light. Tell her what a great form she has and that her running looks great too. It's awfully hard not to be attracted to someone who finds you attractive. I'll bet even Cuds may admit......her friend, had he played his cards right may have been able to turn the tables. My guess is he became overbearing and couldn't dial down his feelings which ended up getting in the way. And, sometimes, personalities just don't jive and it ain't gonna happen. If she's looking at you like a brother......well, your sleeping down the hall.
Now just keep in mind your getting advise from a 43 yr old who is celebrating his 20th anniversary this year. I may or may not be a little out of practice ; )
Hurry Up Every Chance You Get
(formerly LuctorEtEmergo)
jenhs
Jun 30, 08 12:18
Post #17 of 42 (1611 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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So I'm going to go against some of the women here and tell you to back way off. You aren't suddenly going to stop liking her romantically and it would personally turn me way off to have some guy constantly after me romantically when I've made it clear we are just friends. Don't be a jackass, just don't invite her to dinner. If she needs help at her place, tell her you've got a commitment if it would mean an all day project. She needs to understand that you aren't going to be a boy toy who she can exploit to get her ego stroked or her apartment painted.
I know, this sounds really really harsh but having a guy with a crush who is willing to do anything you want them to do can have its benefits. But there is only a benefit if he is willing to have the crush and keep it quiet.
This sounds contradictory so let me try explaining again. Have a guy with a crush who is willing to do anything asked can be great for the ego and great for company. Having that same guy constantly reminding her that he loves her is annoying. Finding the balance between those two opposites means walking away because it would be dishonest to keep your feelings to yourself and you really don't want to hold out hope and follow her around with crossed fingers.
Maybe absense will make the heart grow fonder.
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Jenhs
axlsix3
Jun 30, 08 12:48
Post #18 of 42 (1588 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [jenhs]
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Thank you everyone for your 2 dollars (adjusted for inflation). Keep them coming!!!
At this point I am leaning towards the separation route. We have a couple of events already planned so I will need to bow out of them gracefully and hope she will understand. I don't want to be someone's whipping boy and I need to explore other options so that I'm not stuck on her. Like I told another poster in a PM, this woman falls into the "i can see myself married to her" bucket so it's going to be painful to separate but I need to. It makes it doubly hard since we work together but what is life without challenges. One good thing about all of this is that I am glad to re-discover all these great feelings and it certainly makes me feel alive.
leslieW
Jun 30, 08 13:06
Post #19 of 42 (1576 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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Thx wolffpack but we do work together in the same building so there is a chance for us to see each other everyday so I don't know how much she'll miss me :)
That actually would be better. Seeing you and being 'unavailable' to her would only make the process easier. I'm telling you girls want a challenge and if you don't make her endure one, then she is going to stand on the "just friends" post. :)
____________________________
Life is Short...Run Long
Steve-oH!
Jun 30, 08 13:09
Post #20 of 42 (1571 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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if I were in your shoes I would make other plans and just let her know that you had something else you wanted to do.....keep it "no big deal"..she will likely wonder "what happened" as you go on to find something else to do...
then I would just go on and live your life....just treat her like a "bratty little sister" when you are around her and keep it very light and playful...
no more favors....
no more compliments...
if she approches you some day and asks you "whats up, what happened?" just smile and ask her "are you getting ready to propose to me?" (very playfully!)...tell her she needs to "go buy a ring" and do it properly....(with a huge smile) and then go away and go about your business....
its not likely, but you might get her to see you differently if you keep your distance, go flirt shamelessly with others and keep this approach up...
you never know...she might come around but either way you will be flirting and having fun with other girls....and she may need to get a number and stand in line... : )
trailbait
Jun 30, 08 13:13
Post #21 of 42 (1569 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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Ohhh, I'm sorry for the situation you are in, it can be brutal. I have a male friend who chronically gets in this situation, he even married a girl who didn't really love him at one point, so I'm familiar with how out of hand this situation can get. I'm going to say a few things you may not want to hear...
Right now, you are living in fantasy land with this woman. She likes your attention and she will continue to accept it until another man comes along and then she will string you along a little while longer because she is addicted to the attention you are giving her, but chances are very high that she will not end up with you. If you keep giving her attention, she may kiss you out of guilt or if you get drunk together you might get a little action but that will only make things worse in the long run because you will be encouraged and she will be feeling the same.
It's great that you are experiencing feelings that make you feel alive but when you meet your match, a true life partner, you will be doing so much better than where you are right now.
I would encourage you to put some time and space between you two, see about dating some other women, and then re-evaluate your feelings. Please don't be like my friend who is now in his early 40s and still chasing women he can't have. It's really tragic.
Don't get in the friends zone with women because more often than not, they will keep you there for good.
Best wishes to you!
Erika
http://tribabe.com
http://teamxantusia.blogspot.com/
tri_2b_athlete
Jun 30, 08 17:47
Post #22 of 42 (1506 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [trailbait]
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Another lurker jumping in here...
She's just not that into you. Sure you could play some games to get a couple of dates, but she's known you long enough to know what you have to offer and if she's not into you now, she won't be into you once the game stage is over.
geekgoddess
Jun 30, 08 18:47
Post #23 of 42 (1485 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [wolffpack]
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Concur with DawnT but don't leave her in the lurch with her first race.
Also, be very fast in said race. Us girls are easily impressed by very fast guys. :)
dupeetriclub
Jun 30, 08 18:53
Post #24 of 42 (1481 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [jenhs]
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I agree with what jenhs says...
Sometimes you just have to force yourself to move on- not cut the relationship off
completely
, but certainly eliminate the "opportunities" that seem to present themselves so often. The less you subject yourself to it, the easier it will be on you.
As for the "avoid getting hurt" thing, I think it's too late for that. So do the best you can to ease the disappointment.
Good luck!
Diana
Jun 30, 08 19:05
Post #25 of 42 (1464 views)
Re: Love advice needed from the Womens [axlsix3]
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I'll be yet another woman who would have to agree with Steve-oH's advice in this situation. Since you are already good friends and she really enjoys your company, I would think you have a shot if you play hard to get (sad that people need to play these games sometimes). Don't be a jerk, by any means, but just make sure she realizes that you have other interests that may take precedence over spending time with her (i.e. don't be clingy or needy). Be confident. She needs to realize what she's missing out on and needs to see a little challenge in getting your affection and attention back. Self confidence is very attractive.
Racing in Kona to win the battle against ovarian cancer in memory of Sue Robinson
http://dianahassel.blogspot.com/
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