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Am I less than because...

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cuds

Aug 1, 08 11:33

Post #1 of 51 (1216 views)

Am I less than because...	Can't Post

I choose not to have kids and, for the present time, not have a boyfriend/husband... and who knows if I will ever (frankly, I don't want to be “tied down” by someone who doesn't enjoy triathlon or, at the very least, distance running)?
I choose to have a career, to train and hang out with my kitties. And, of course, be extremely lazy when I'm not doing the aforementioned. When it comes to the mens, right now, I like to keep things pretty “casual” and you can say what you want about me changing my mind as I get older about having kids, but with every year that passes I want kids less and less.
I ask this because of the threads going on in the main forum. Some replies say, “the most important thing is family”. Is it? Or is that a comment made specifically for those who have chosen the family path and not meant to suggest that those of us who choose to do things over family are assholes?

lisazapato

Aug 1, 08 11:39

Post #2 of 51 (1208 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

no, i don't think you're less than anything.

i think the statement "family is most important" probably should apply to those who choose to have one. once you've made that choice, you've made your bed and you better take care of your business. but if you choose not to have a family, then you don't have to live by that mantra at all.

i guess what i mean is - you have kitties. thus, you've chosen to have kitties and now it's your responsibility to take care of them, love them, and consider them important in your life. but "kitties are important" would not make sense to someone who chooses not to have kitties.

so basically what i'm saying is, i think your choices in life are perfectly valid - there are days when i wonder if i ever want childrens myself. people who make you feel like you are less than just because of your choice to not have a family are lame, but people who put their own families first are making no less a valid choice than you are. people can and should choose to do whatever they want in this regard.

keep your chin up and don't let the man get you down! :)

Khai

Aug 1, 08 11:40

Post #3 of 51 (1207 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

In Reply To

“the most important thing is family”. Is it? Or is that a comment made specifically for those who have chosen the family path and not meant to suggest that those of us who choose to do things over family are assholes?

IFF you have a family and choose to ignore them in lieu of training, you're being a selfish asshole. In your case, it's simply a choice - not a judgment.

When it comes to the mens, right now, I like to keep things pretty “casual”...

Hi there... :D

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jess!

Aug 1, 08 11:45

Post #4 of 51 (1200 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [lisazapato] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Certainly not. You should be accorded a lot of respect for knowing what you want and being steadfast in that knowledge.

I was just having this discussion with a friend the other day about how much I hate when people say to me "when you're married ________" or "when you have kids ________." Thereby assuming that, as a woman, I have the ultimate goal (or destiny) of marriage and children. I personally, at this point in my life (age 28), have no intention of having children. I'm not barring myself from it, but at this point, I don't see how it could fit into my life and what I have planned and it would be unfair to bring a child into this world when I feel like I have to squeeze them into my life plan.

I get the impression from your post that you're likely in the same boat. No, it's not the "normal" path for most women in the U.S. to choose but anyone who would choose to judge you on making your own life choices and sticking to those choices can bugger off as far as I'm concerned.

Edited to add:

Also, good on you for making a choice in a world where so many women get pigeonholed into a certain role where it is questionable whether they ever really had a choice at all.
__________________________________________________

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(This post was edited by jess! on Aug 1, 08 12:02)

cerveloguy

Aug 1, 08 12:09

Post #5 of 51 (1175 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

How old are you? My thoughts are different if you are still in your twenties compared to your forties or fifties.

You're not less. It's just a different lifestyle. Marriage and kids isn't for everybody. Not every woman is cut out for motherhood. There are women who put career first or themselves first.

But if you really don't want marriage and kids be absolutely sure when you make that choice. I have a 60 yr old still single cousin who always said she didn't but now she seems quite bitter and angry that she didn't.

"OK, I'll admit I screwed up the facts"

Khai

Aug 1, 08 12:26

Post #6 of 51 (1153 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cerveloguy] [In reply to]	Can't Post

In Reply To

But if you really don't want marriage and kids be absolutely sure when you make that choice. I have a 60 yr old still single cousin who always said she didn't but now she seems quite bitter and angry that she didn't.

When I hear this is says to me that her years of saying "I don't want" may just have been a cover for the frustration of wanting but not finding...

Funny thing - my sister always said that she'd never marry. She's been married for 10 years.
She also said that she never wanted anything to do with kids (and has truly never been fond of them) - she just had one and is absolutely infatuated with him.

Sometimes it really is people changing what they want after a certain point in their lives. Other times, they really do know right from the get-go, and happily travel down that path for their entire lives.

This above all: to thine own self be true

<If you're gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough>
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PirateGirl

Aug 1, 08 12:28

Post #7 of 51 (1153 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

You are not less.

Family is what you make it. I do not want kids, but I really want to be an important part of my neices and nephews lives, and my brother and sister in law know this.

I will say this, I can't remember how old you are, but I think mid-late 20s..and the older I get the more and more I think maybe (then I realize, no I still don't want them). And I was always the nope, never, none type.

What Am I Up To? Pirate

Maui

Aug 1, 08 12:31

Post #8 of 51 (1150 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

No, you are not less than anybody. Nor an asshole. Now, the most important thing is family IF you have one. But since you don't and are not planning on having one, then the most important thing for you can be whatever you decide.

mccannathon

Aug 1, 08 12:38

Post #9 of 51 (1142 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Hey Cuds. That would be a resounding NO, you are not less because you do not have kids.

I am in a similar situation, but I am a dude. I would have thought that I would have kids by now, but life did not go quite according to plan. I am now not sure if I was thinking I would have kids because I was expected to or if I really wanted them. Now I am not sure if I want them or not. Not having them is OK in my book.

But, most of my friends have them. Some of my lamer friends will use the "baby shield" as an excuse not to do anything.

lilpups

Aug 1, 08 12:43

Post #10 of 51 (1136 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

As someone else mentioned, family is what you make it. Family can be kids/spouse but it can also be relatives, close friends, or animals.

In my mind family is the most important thing and training shouldn't put a significant strain on family relationships. But whether that means your spouse/kids or your close friends or kitties is totally up to you. Obviously if your definition of family is your friends and cats then you have more flexibility when it comes to training then those with kids as I don't think your friends need you to drive them to their soccer games, but if one of those close friends called you up saying she was in the hospital you'd probably be more than willing to ditch a few workouts to make sure she was ok.

At the end of the day, in my mind at least, training is one thing but it's the relationships with we have others (not necessarily romatic relationships) are what makes life fun and interesting. Now if those close friends who are "family" also happen to be avid triathletes then you're golden. :)

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SaraJean

Aug 1, 08 12:48

Post #11 of 51 (1129 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

In Reply To

I ask this because of the threads going on in the main forum. Some replies say, “the most important thing is family”. Is it? Or is that a comment made specifically for those who have chosen the family path and not meant to suggest that those of us who choose to do things over family are assholes?

I agree with PPs: If one chooses to get married and have children, one owes it to one's family to give them the time and attention they need.

However, you have chosen not to have children. If you consider your career and sport more important than having a family, you have made a responsible and mature decision to remain childless, and I respect that.

"Real winners aren't content with yesterday's victories"

AndyPants

Aug 1, 08 13:02

Post #12 of 51 (1116 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

You most certainly are NOT less. Your family is whom ever you love and care for, regardless of blood ties. Sometimes a family can be very very small, or very very big - both are OK, they are just different.

If/when you decide to have kids or not, to be involved in a longterm relationship or not, it's your choice and no one can say you are making the wrong choice except you.

Asshole? heck no
Honest? you bet.

AP
------------------------
AndyPantsRacing
------------------------
Co-founder of FoodSluts (TM) - where training is a warm-up to eating.

jenhs

Aug 1, 08 13:02

Post #13 of 51 (1113 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I'm 39 and never wanted kids, even when I was a teenager I knew I didn't want them.I hated babysitting and only did it once or twice. I just don't have that need. I have cats and dogs and love them like they are my children. I think they need me more than the earth needs more children.

My mom is sad that I dont want kids and kept telling me I'll change my mind. Finally 3 years ago she asked one last time and I told her no, I don't want kids. Luckily my brother has two so I can get my fix of playing with youngsters and shopping for cute clothes and she gets grandkids to go ga ga over.

I've looked into permenant birth control many times but didn't want to go through surgery. My husband doesn't want the vasectomy but that is a whole other conversation. I just decided I couldn't take the artifical hormones and got a copper IUD which will prevent pregnancy for the next 10 years. I feel much better and am relieved I will not be put in the position of being pregnant when I don't want to be.

My husband and I agreed when we first met that we don't want kids so that has never been an issue in our marriage.

Some people give us a hard time about not wanting kids and pull some bullshit about being selfish but for me, we aren't being selfish at all, we are being honest and not caving in. There is nothing wrong with choosing to be childless. Fortunately most closest friends feel the same way.

As far as being married. I've told my husband that if we are no longer together for whatever reason then I have no intention of getting married again, and I mean it. I like my life a certain way and I've quite independant so having someone else in my life where I have to change who I am or how I live has no appeal to me. That doesn't mean I won't have a relationship but it does mean that I'll draw a line.

Life is short, life it the way you want and fuck everyone else. This is your time on earth, use it the best way you can.
----------------
Jenhs

cuds

Aug 1, 08 13:11

Post #14 of 51 (1101 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [Khai] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Thanks everyone. I share the same sentiments as most of you. Those of you who think I might change my mind about kids, maybe you're right. BUT... I HATE babies (and am definitely not fond of kids at any age - they're never all that cute, except for SQW's PK... wow, she's amazing!) so I think I may have an uphill battle in changing my mind on this one.

I'm very much the same as you jenhs - pets, pets, pets! If I had time for more (and space, of course) I would definitely. If I don't stick to the law enforcement route of a career I will be definitely be looking into something working with animals. I'm an animals before humans kinda girl... not that I don't LOVE all of you!!! :D My cats are definitely my family... I've skipped a couple workouts for them lol.

And I decided to reply to Khai for this since he is the one mens who managed to, sort of, hit on me in his first reply lol.
_____________________________________
Stop being such a scrotetard and htfu!

cerveloguy

Aug 1, 08 13:18

Post #15 of 51 (1095 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [Khai] [In reply to]	Can't Post

"When I hear this is says to me that her years of saying "I don't want" may just have been a cover for the frustration of wanting but not finding... "

I'd suspect that applies to a lot of people, probably my cousin also.

"OK, I'll admit I screwed up the facts"

jenhs

Aug 1, 08 13:24

Post #16 of 51 (1089 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I'm very much the same as you jenhs - pets, pets, pets! If I had time for more (and space, of course) I would definitely. If I don't stick to the law enforcement route of a career I will be definitely be looking into something working with animals. I'm an animals before humans kinda girl... not that I don't LOVE all of you!!! :D My cats are definitely my family... I've skipped a couple workouts for them lol.

My long term plan is a rescue shelter. It is probably 10 - 15 years off as I need to make $$ while I can but it will happen. I've always loved animals and my first job was at a kennel cleaning up, walking the dogs and helping wash them. I was in heaven.
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Jenhs

cerveloguy

Aug 1, 08 13:42

Post #17 of 51 (1070 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [jenhs] [In reply to]	Can't Post

"I'm 39 "

That's why I asked the original poster her age. At 39 you know what you want (or at least should by then), but who does at 25? When I was in my 20's I didn't want to have kids either, but know feel it was he best thing I ever did.

"OK, I'll admit I screwed up the facts"

cuds

Aug 1, 08 13:46

Post #18 of 51 (1067 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cerveloguy] [In reply to]	Can't Post

In Reply To

I'm 26. Of course your thoughts will be different if I'm in my twenties because people in their 20's can't possibly know what they want yet, right? Except that I do. And I have known for several years now even. Not everyone is the same there and to generalize sucks.

"Not every woman is cut out for motherhood." Really? That's your response to me? Not really a fan of that statement. It's about a choice, not an ability. But thanks for that vote of confidence - I'm sure all womens who don't have kids, by choice especially, will enjoy that.

Sorry if I'm a little flaming at your remarks, but those statements are the kind that put me in a position of questioning in the first place. And it's seems pretty clear from others that I shouldn't have been questioning.
_____________________________________
Stop being such a scrotetard and htfu!

(This post was edited by cuds on Aug 1, 08 13:55)

atl_tony

Aug 1, 08 13:53

Post #19 of 51 (1060 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Cuds, I say this as the father of two boys and a wonderful wife.

Don't even entertain the thought that you are somehow doing the wrong thing. YOU live YOUR life. If others are critical of you so be it. They are not YOU. Ignore them. Do YOUR thing not theirs.

People that judge other people and look down on other people because of their choices tick me off.
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PirateGirl

Aug 1, 08 13:57

Post #20 of 51 (1054 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I saw that statement and thought the exact same thing. And just because someone wants kids doesn't mean they are cut out for it (motherhood or fatherhood).

What Am I Up To? Pirate

M4044AG'er

Aug 1, 08 14:21

Post #21 of 51 (1043 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

In defense of cerveloguy I don't think he meant what he wrote as the way you took it. Which brings up my point........

Women.....especially wives (hehehe) have a way of reading more into things than what is actually there. Because someone says to put family and SO's first does not imply that if you don't have family and SO's you are less signifigant. Some may say lucky! But I could read that thread 100 times and never come to that conclusion like a woman can. (I'm ducking and dodgeing right now)

If you have a spouse, if you have kids.....your first prioity should be living up to your responsibilities as Husband / Wife and or Father / Mother. When I set out this year to train for my 1st Ironman I promised my wife and kids that nothing will suffer because of my training. well......I withdrew 5 days ago ;-( So anyway.....If you don't have kids......it still means living up to your responsibilities as a son or a daughter. And on and on and on. My inlaws already think I'm stuck up. If I blew off on of their cookouts to make my 5 hr bike I'm just digging myself a deeper hole.

Cuds....I love your post. Your a very insightful lady who really seems to have her sh!t together. If your getting badgered by friends and family about mates and kids......thats another issue. It has nothing to do with training for an Ironman and what is really important in life.

Hurry Up Every Chance You Get

(formerly LuctorEtEmergo)

cuds

Aug 1, 08 14:24

Post #22 of 51 (1039 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [LuctorEtEmergo] [In reply to]	Can't Post

In Reply To

Cuds....I love your post. Your a very insightful lady who really seems to have her sh!t together. If your getting badgered by friends and family about mates and kids......thats another issue. It has nothing to do with training for an Ironman and what is really important in life.

hanks very much. I appreciate that.
Though I should admit, while I'm a woman... I'm no lady! teehee :)
_____________________________________
Stop being such a scrotetard and htfu!

TriStrut

Aug 1, 08 14:56

Post #23 of 51 (1018 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

I also found this post interesting, and I agree with what most of the prior posters said.

I'm a male in his mid 30's who is single and has no children - and it's interesting that I nobody ever makes the same kind of comments to me. Maybe it's just my friends and family are different than Cuds's peeps....or maybe it's just indicative of how people view men and women differently. Or just indicative of my inability to get a date :-)
_________________________________

Go that way really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.

mdraegernyc

Aug 1, 08 15:27

Post #24 of 51 (1000 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [jenhs] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Holy crap, I could have written that post word for word! (Except for the fact that none of my siblings have kids and it's KILLING my mom... ) I've been pretty lucky about not getting flack about not having kids, although early on I did get a lot of "Oh, you'll change your mind" and at the time I imagined it was possible. I never thought I'd get married, do anything athletic, know how to use a computer, etc. so I try not to even bother taking adamant stances on such things, but as I close in on 40 it seems like that mythical biological clock would start ticking if it was going to.

M

------------------------------------------------------------
Finally, I've joined the blogging crowd

trackie clm

Aug 1, 08 16:09

Post #25 of 51 (981 views)

Re: Am I less than because... [cuds] [In reply to]	Can't Post

Hey cuds--I knew from about age 18 that I didn't want kids. At least my own 24/7. I can borrow the Mini Katy and love her like my own, and recently a very cute 7 yo guy has come into my life that I could get used to also. And I also have my 19 yo nephew. But again, none of them are full time.

And like Michelle, my mother used to hold out hope she'd have more than one grandchild. She even suggested that I could adopt one as a single mother. No thanks.

You know what you want. Don't listen others tell you how it should be.

clm

http://ironclm.typepad.com

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