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Please help me with my grammar please.
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Putting together a flyer. I know there is a grammatical error, but I'm not entirely sure what the fix is.

Here's the original quote:

Quote:

We are Newark, De's premier heavy metal cover band!!! Covering songs from such bands as Pantera, Slayer, Metallica, Slipkot and many, many more!!!


I know the econd sentence is a fragment, and I'm pretty sure there should be a comma after De's. Also, I think it would be better not to do this in the first person. It gives the illusion that someone else is promoting us.

This is what I was thinking:

Quote:

[Band name at top]
[picture]
Newark's premier heavy metal cover band playing songs from Pantera, Slayer, Metallica, Slipknot, and many, many more!!!



Thanks in advance smart people!

-----------------------------Baron Von Speedypants
-----------------------------RunTraining articles here:
http://forum.slowtwitch.com/...runtraining;#1612485
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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Heavy metal bands don't use multiples '!'s Cheerleaders and boy bands do. I expect to see multiple '!'s after a sentence like, "I've got that Bieber fever!!!"

They also don't use "many, many" when just "many" gets the point across just fine.

You need to insult your metal fans. Something like:

[Band name]
[picture]

You couldn't handle the originals from Pantera, Slayer, and Metallica. And now De is going to kick your ass again.
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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If you use the second version, add a comma after the word "band." (Alternatively, put a line break at that point and use two different font sizes.)

Don't worry about the fact that the whole constitutes a sentence fragment. It's a flyer, not an essay.

EDIT: I also agree with trail's comments.

-----
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
Which is probably why I was registering 59.67mi as I rolled into T2.

Last edited by: Rob C in FL: Sep 28, 10 10:33
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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1. If you're audience consists of "metal heads," then it's OK for grammar to be an afterthought. Have you ever read some of those lyrics?! Now, don't misunderstand me. These are awesome songs notwithstanding the grammar. The point is: Your sales literature can me similarly effective.
2. If you just add one more exclamation point to each "sentence", then I think that will cover over any grammatical problems. See how much better it reads after I make my change: "We are Newark, De's premier heavy metal cover band!!!! Covering songs from such bands as Pantera, Slayer, Metallica, Slipkot and many, many more!!!!"
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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Slipknot, not 'Slipkot' but do not use this, keep it very simple:

We are Newark, De's premier metal cover band

The more you say, the more likely you are to say something foolish. (Read any of YaHeys posts for validation of this concept)

Band name
Picture
My words

=

Success!!


**All of these words finding themselves together were greatly astonished and delighted for assuredly, they had never met before**
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [Mojozenmaster] [ In reply to ]
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Hey MojoZ, I'm glad you responded because you are actualy quite good at this stuff. I agree with your concept.

Here's what we are trying to accomplish from a marketing standpoint. We want them to know who we are and what we play. We are a cover band, we play heavy metal, but specifically we play metal like Slayer and Pantera, not Judas Priest and Quiet Riot. When ever we tell people that we are a metal cover band, that's the first thing they say. "You mean like Quiet Riot?"

Any thoughts?

-----------------------------Baron Von Speedypants
-----------------------------RunTraining articles here:
http://forum.slowtwitch.com/...runtraining;#1612485
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [Mojozenmaster] [ In reply to ]
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I've considered splattering it with a few band logos (the ones listed above). Although, two of us are wearing band shirts in the picture, one being Slayer and one being Lamb of God. Maybe that's enough to get the point across?

-----------------------------Baron Von Speedypants
-----------------------------RunTraining articles here:
http://forum.slowtwitch.com/...runtraining;#1612485
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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"Ours go to 11"
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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A couple of comments.

1. Do you need to specify DE? Do you expect people to mix you guys up with a band in Newark NJ?
2. Real Metal bands probaby don't use the word "premier."

I would keep it simple.

"Band Name"
Newark's greatest/heaviest/hottest (pick an adjective that sounds like it has a little bit more balls than "premier") heavy metal cover band

Then drop logos from some of the bands you cover at the bottom of the poster, and make sure you have a good graphic, since that's what draws people to look at the poster in the first place.

Slowguy

(insert pithy phrase here...)
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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It should be Newark DEn not De



"Honestly, triathlon is a pussified version of duathlon on that final run."- Desert Dude

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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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When it comes to METAL I believe in the KISS rule!

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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [peter826] [ In reply to ]
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That would be a very clever comment on BarryP's poster


**All of these words finding themselves together were greatly astonished and delighted for assuredly, they had never met before**
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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Are we not going to comment on starting and ending your Subject with "please"?


Edit: Meant to throw in a smiley face or two.
Last edited by: Tridiot: Sep 28, 10 11:38
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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You cannot play every ones favorite genre of speed/death metal all of the time but you can play hair metal some of the time and make it look like speed/death metal.

Mojo thinks your band needs to re-invent Quiet Riot’s “Slick Black Cadillac” and make it look like death.

Check it out and get to work!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxurUo3fiHQ


**All of these words finding themselves together were greatly astonished and delighted for assuredly, they had never met before**
Last edited by: Mojozenmaster: Sep 28, 10 11:44
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
Hey MojoZ, I'm glad you responded because you are actualy quite good at this stuff. I agree with your concept.

Here's what we are trying to accomplish from a marketing standpoint. We want them to know who we are and what we play. We are a cover band, we play heavy metal, but specifically we play metal like Slayer and Pantera, not Judas Priest and Quiet Riot. When ever we tell people that we are a metal cover band, that's the first thing they say. "You mean like Quiet Riot?"

Any thoughts?

"Newark's premier heavy metal cover band, not playing songs from Quiet Riot!!!!!" ;-)


"100% of the people who confuse correlation and causation end up dying."
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [Tridiot] [ In reply to ]
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That was intentional. ; ^ )

-----------------------------Baron Von Speedypants
-----------------------------RunTraining articles here:
http://forum.slowtwitch.com/...runtraining;#1612485
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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Curse you! I should have assumed.


I liked what Slowguy was writing. Keep it simple, and be more agressive. Don't ask them to come, tell them to show up or they are pu$$ies!
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [BarryP] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
I've considered splattering it with a few band logos (the ones listed above). Although, two of us are wearing band shirts in the picture, one being Slayer and one being Lamb of God. Maybe that's enough to get the point across?

I think you might run into copyright trouble if you put other band's logos on your poster. What say the ST lawyers?


"100% of the people who confuse correlation and causation end up dying."
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Re: Please help me with my grammar please. [slowguy] [ In reply to ]
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In Reply To:
2. Real Metal bands probaby don't use the word "premier."


Well not in THAT way, anyway ... but I'm sure they've seen the name



[and NO I'm not saying The Who was a Metal Band, but who wouldn't wanna play like Keith Moon???]

"What's your claim?" - Ben Gravy
"Your best work is the work you're excited about" - Rick Rubin
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