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More Chuck Norris ...

 
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TripleThreat

Feb 17, 06 6:49

Post #1 of 3 (218 views)
More Chuck Norris ... Can't Post
Do you remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on satellite TV.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he's not lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1 CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

Chuck Norris doesn't write books. The words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.

When an episode of of Walker: Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with over 20,000 women. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday".

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" in for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, Chuck Norris invented the entire visible spectrum. Except pink, Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and he got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

James Cameron originally wanted Chuck Norris to play the terminator. However, he realized that would have turned the movie into a documentary so he went with Arnold Swarzeneggar instead.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

=======================

-- At 211 degrees water is hot. At 212 degrees water boils. Boiling water produces steam. You can power a locomotive with steam. Will you supply the extra degree that makes all the difference? ---



Casey

Feb 17, 06 7:57

Post #2 of 3 (185 views)
Re: More Chuck Norris ... [TripleThreat] [In reply to] Can't Post
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he's not lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Hilarious.
__________________________________________________

You sir, are my new hero! - Trifan 11/13/2008

Casey, you are a wise man - blueraider_mike 11/13/2008

Casey, This is an astute observation. - Slowbern 11/17/2008


Dmcminn

Feb 17, 06 9:21

Post #3 of 3 (148 views)
Re: More Chuck Norris ... [TripleThreat] [In reply to] Can't Post
Love the Chuck Norris lines ... here is one that someone did for Jack Bauer ("24") .... hilarious as well ... note the slam on Chuck:

* If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.
* If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
* Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
* Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
* If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
* Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
* Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
* Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
* If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fucked
* 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
* When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
* Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.
* Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.
* Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
* Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
* When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemons.
* Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
* Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
* If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef, then it's effin' beef.
* Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
* Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
* When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
* Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
* Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
* You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
* Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better effin' do it. * Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
* If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris. * You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're probably gonna get laid. * The term "jackin' off" now means killing 50 terrorists in 2 minutes. * Time stands still for no one ... except Jack Bauer. It's afraid to even move for one second out of fear of death.